Negative Nancy

I know I've been MIA for a while now!  It's been hard to visit this place and even attempt to write anything, because all I seem to be feeling lately is negative.


I even went as far as making some New Years Resolutions to help with my attitude and I have failed miserably at those too.

1. Stop Complaining:  Even about the weather. 
   It's a bad habit that I got into last year and I'm not even sure why, but I can't seem to stop!  I have a great life and I'm thankful, but that doesn't stop me from complaining about...the good...the bad...the ugly....all of it!
2. Stop comparing my life/marriage to others:
   In order for me to be content in even the most mundane things, this is a must.  I want to re-learn how to embrace the blessings I have and stop taking everything for granted.
3. Take time for me:
   I have to take control of my own happiness.  Take time to do the things I enjoy.  Make more date nights with my amazing husband.  Spend some much needed time with girlfriends.  Be more intentional with my time.
4. Watch less TV:
   In order to accomplish #3 I really need to pull myself away from the boob-tube.  Unfortunately, when I have only a few hours a week to relax, this is my go-to.  I think in some way...by watching all of the drama on shows like Real Housewives, it makes me feel like my life isn't so bad after all.

Maybe after this horrific winter ends, I can come back and feel more rejuvenated and a little less grumpy.  Until then....I will probably continue to complain about all of this gosh darn snow (an inch per hour expected later today)....Ughhh

No Regrets

I am one of the few women who never wanted children.  I adore my nephews, but even as a young adult I had no intentions of having any of my own. 

But then I met a handsome fella and we got married, bought a house and joined our 'families'.  He had 2 children already (who were teenagers when we met), but I started to want my own. 

Due to the fact that my husband is a paraplegic and I had had cervical cancer, we decided to see a specialist to discuss our options.  Soon after that appointment, the so-called "urge" was gone, so we decided not to move forward.  I enjoy our life and for many reasons I don't care to discuss here, we cancelled all future doctor appointments and have never really discussed the topic since.

But, every year around Christmas I get a little depressed.  I tend to think of all the things I won't be doing this year.  I won't attend any Christmas programs at school, I won't make anything awesome from Pinterest for my child's teacher, I won't be able to play Santa, and most of all, I can't pass along the Christmas family traditions that I grew up knowing and loving.

I've learned that the best way to cure this feeling is for me to spend some extra special time with all the little ones around me.  I've got a special date with one of my nephews tonight and I can't wait!

I don't regret the decision my husband and I made, but that doesn't mean I can't dream every now and again of what it would be like to some day be called "mommy"!

In a Rut

I've been in a rut the past couple weeks (and maybe longer).  I'm just not HAPPY and feel like I very rarely smile anymore.   

I am missing my family and feeling very distant from my girl friends, which leaves me feeling very lonely. 

I've been at the same job for 9 years and it is starting to feel like the same thing EVERY day.  I am growing tired of my co-workers and I haven't had a raise in years (even though my job duties have grown immensely).  I'm just plain sick and tired of this environment.

I'm overweight (again) and can't seem to get it under control.  I have no clothes that fit me and tend to survive most evenings and weekends in sweatpants.  And nobody, I mean nobody, feels good about their appearance when they are in sweatpants.

I've got so many projects at home that need done, but I can't find the energy to pull myself off the couch on most days.  I do my general house cleaning on Saturday mornings and the rest of the weekend is spent doing nothing productive.

I feel so bad for my dear husband.  He tries his best, but it's hard.  How do you make someone happy when they don't really want to be?  I mean, it's not that I don't want to be happy, but I just don't know what needs to be done to get me there.

I'm hoping this is just a phase!  Maybe when the weather gets nicer I will snap out of it.

Rest in Peace

Christopher Lee Shaw

May 21, 1977 ~ April 4, 2011

Grief

It's been 8 months since my brother passed away and I can honestly say that my heart aches more today than it did on that horrible Monday in April.

I think about him ALL.THE.TIME!!!  And on days when my heart just can't take any more....I cry!  In the past couple weeks I have cried at Target, in the car driving, on the couch watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, at my desk, in the shower, walking the dog.  I feel like I am constantly trying to hide my feelings and wipe my tears before anyone sees them and it is killing me.  All I really want is one good, loud, snot-dripping cry without being afraid of someone asking me what is wrong.  I don't like to explain my tears.  I feel like as long as I don't say the words out loud than it can't possibly be true.  Obviously, I'm not crazy and know that reality is what it is, but I really hate saying it out loud.

I'm hurting and don't know how to make it better.  I don't even necessarily want it to go away, because I want my heart to always remember....but, I can't go on like this.  I'm starting to think my grief is affecting more of my life than I would like to admit. 

I'm even so desperate that every night before I go to bed, I pray to my brother to please visit me in my dreams.  I just want to hear his voice, to know that he is okay.  But, every morning I wake up and he never came!  Which then, starts this crazy mind of mine on a whole other roller coaster with a whole other set of questions.

I'm not even going to re-read this post before hitting publish....I already know I sound like a crazy person and I'm okay with that.

I miss you!!!

On the Mend

After a whirlwind few months of constantly being on the go....my body shut down last week.  It was 11 days of getting out of bed or off the couch only in emergency situations (using the restroom, heating up chicken broth, going to the hospital, etc).

If I could only put into words the illness that I just recovered from.  The correct term would be pneumonia, but it was so much more than that.  My body literally shut down on me.  There were days I physically could not move.  Lifting my head for even the slightest thing was exhausting and nauseating all in the same breath.

On the worst of days, I couldn't even get myself to the bathroom to urinate.  My husband was a trooper and kept bringing me clean clothes and washing my soiled ones.

To sum it up....it was horrible.

But, on a brighter note....I am now back to work and the holidays are just around the corner.  And needless to say, the next time my body tells me to slow down I will surely listen!

Dreams

I had the most disturbing and horrifying dream last night.  I've been awake for over 3 hours and I can still remember every last detail.

It was so disturbing, yet so real, that I can't stop thinking about it.  I know there are supposed to be meanings behind your dreams, but I'm not sure I want to know how my subconscious mind came up with this!

I would give you the details, but I won't allow myself to write it down.  Just know that I am totally freaked out by it and my brain won't stop replaying it over and over again.

The worst part is that my deceased brother was the main character and while I love that he is showing up in my dreams I just can't even fathom why he showed up in the manner in which he did.

I wish I could forget.......

Retail Therapy

I'm in desparate need of some retail therapy.  I can't even tell you the last time I went shopping for clothes.  It had to have been a few years ago when I lost 30 lbs and didn't have a single thing that fit me.  Well, I'm in that same boat again except this time it's because I've gained back almost the 30 lbs and nothing I have fits me.

My problem, which I'm sure is common, is that I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes to fit this "size" because I don't want to be this size.  But, I've been saying this same thing to myself for almost 6 months now and I haven't done a single thing to try and lose weight.

I'm actually typing this after just finishing a double cheeseburger from Sonic....Ughhhh!  What is my problem?  I can't say NO to anything food related lately and it's killing me (and doing major damage to my butt and thighs).  The other night my husband wanted chocolate chip cookies and I ended up eating 4 of them right out of the oven.  And then ate another 3 at lunch the next day. 

And what is even more disturbing is that I don't feel the least bit guilty after eating all that junk.  In the past I always got very emotional after I would binge.  The guilt always got the best of me and made for a very stressed out girl.  But, the guilt would sometimes help me refrain from making bad food choices. 

I need to make some changes....both physically and mentally. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions.  I need to stop complaining about my weight since I am not doing anything about it.  I need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Want some cheese with that whine?

I'm having an "off" day.  I kind of just feel like an emotional mess (and no, it's not that time of the month).

It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling.  It's a little bit of fear, a lot of sadness, and a splash of insecurity. 

Summer is coming to an end, which I am okay with, because Fall in Michigan is my 2nd favorite time of the year.  But, I am feeling like I didn't really "do" anything this summer.  Five years down the road am I going to have any memories of summer 2011? 

I feel like I am stuck in a rut.  Following the same routine every.single.day!!  I have not spent nearly enough time with my family this summer and I haven't seen my girlfriends in months.  I know we all get busy and life tends to "take over", but this is not how I want to live.  I want time spent with my nephews, shopping trips with my sister and wine shared between girlfriends.  I want days spent with my parents and siblings, laughing until our side aches.  I want these things so badly, but instead of actually making it happen, I sulk about it.

I'm really good at whining, crying and complaining about all the things that make me unhappy....but horrible at actually "doing something about it". 

Case in point:  I lost 30 lbs in 2009 and managed to maintain that loss through most of 2010.  But, as ashamed as I am to admit it...I have gained back 23 of those pounds I lost.  Instead of getting off my butt to do something about it, I decided to eat 2 packs of Nutter Butters and whine about it on my blog.

In general, life is so good right now.  The problem, is that I am so concentrated on the things that make me sad, scared and insecure that I am missing out on opportunities to do things that make me happy, fulfilled and secure.

I need to make a change.  I need to "stop and smell the roses".  I need to learn how to find happiness in the most mundane situations.  I need to start...now!

Still finding it hard to cope....

Next Thursday marks 4 months since my brothers death and I'm still finding it hard to cope.  It is difficult to lose anyone you love, but losing a sibling is traumatic and devastating to the whole family.

Losing my brother just feels like life is out of order.  He was too young to die....a child should not die before a parent.  It simply IS NOT FAIR!

The most difficult part of the loss is that we still don't know the "cause of death".  Waiting on autopsy results is excruciatingly painful.  In order to move on with my life I need to understand what really happened.  Could the death been prevented?  Was it an accident?  Was it caused on purpose?  I am in desperate need to know the answers to these questions.

There is also the GUILT....I have often felt that I should have been the one to die instead of my brother.  He had overcome so many obstacles in his life and was just starting to "live".  There is also the guilt that comes from "if I would have just made more time to see him".  Life gets busy and sometimes it seems like such an inconvenience to plan get-togethers.  And most nights I was too tired from a long day at work to pick up the phone and call.  I hadn't seen my brother in months before he passed away and I have not forgiven myself.

It was so hard watching my parents experience the grief of losing a child.  We've all tried to move on and in doing so, we have stopped talking about it.  For me it feels like I am living a dual life...one living in total grief and one totally ignoring it.  It's exhausting and difficult to keep up. 

My brother, Chris, and I on my wedding day last July

35

Today is my birthday...35 years old! 

I'm having a god-awful rotten day so far.  My job is just horrible today...pure chaos!  And this girl doesn't do well with chaos!  My OCD doesn't allow chaos in my life.  So today, at this moment, I feel like my head is going to explode.

On a more positive note....The owner of the company is treating me to lunch and my husband and family are taking me out tonight for a Mexican dinner.  I can only assume that the day is going to get better.

And on a more personal note...I feel just awful enjoying my birthday knowing that in 3 days it will be my brothers birthday and he isn't here to enjoy it.  I'm still trying to deal with his death and the past couple weeks have been just awful for me.  I miss him so much!

So here's to a BIG Happy Birthday to me!!

Who are you?

Life...it gets in the way sometimes!  There are literally days where I feel like I am having some sort of 'out of body' experience.  I look at myself and am shocked at what I see.  I am not the same person I used to be and it scares me.  What if the fun, outgoing, loving, caring, responsible person I used to be is just a memory?  What if that Amy never comes back?

There is so much that has happened in 2011 that with the start of each month I almost suffer such gut wrenching anxiety wondering what the next 30 days will throw at me.  Hell, I'm scared at what the next 24 hours will throw at me.

I don't like my life right now and I haven't the foggiest idea on how to make any of it better.  At this point I'm simply living day to day.  Which is fine and dandy for the most part, but living day to day doesn't allow you to look into your future.  It doesn't allow you to look ahead and make plans.  It simply allows you enough hours in the day to do what you need to do to survive until you wake the next morning.

This isn't the way I want to live, but it's all I've got right now.

Losing a Brother

One week ago today I received the phone call that has (and will) forever change my life....my brother Chris passed away unexpectedly. 

In technical terms he was my "step" brother, but in my family we don't use that term.  In our hearts and in our minds we are all TRUE siblings....we are FAMILY!

Chris was only 33 years old which makes me question "why him?".  He was a wonderful person with a special energy.  So much like his dad.

It's hard to understand why something so horrible could happen to our family.  There is so much pain in my parents eyes.  For the first couple days I think we were all in a daze.  Everything seemed weird...almost like living in a state of shock.  I don't think any of us really knew what to do.

Thursday evening at the family visitation it suddenly became very real.  Seeing my brother in that casket totally lifeless is an image I will never forget.  Although it was hard, I felt very connected to him.  I talked to him and could sense his presence. 

I have a strong sense that there is a greater plan, but again I want to know why him?  It is something we will never know and never understand.

My brother's death has definitely reminded me that 'life ends'.  Life is there one minute and can be gone the next.  We are reminded not to take anything/anyone for granted and life each day to its fullest.

Rest in Peace brother Chris!

Grateful

I've been feeling a bit depressed, angry, sad, discouraged and hopeless lately.  Sometimes its easier to concentrate on those bad feelings when you're going through a tough time in life.  However, I am quickly finding out how unhealthy this way of thinking is.

I have challenged myself to try and concentrate on the positive, even if only for one day.  So here is a list of all (most) of the things I am grateful for today:

1. My parents (including step parents)-for being wise
2. My siblings-for the unconditional love
3. My closest friends-for being my companions in life
4. My heart-for giving me the ability to feel (both love and pain)
5. My immune system-for battling off all the viruses that are going around
6. My mind-for the ability to think, make choices, store memories and create solutions
7. My tears-for helping me express my deepest emotions
8. My smile-for helping hide the sadness
9. My cats-for filling my life with joy even in my darkest moments
10. The internet-for filling me with knowledge
11. My job-for giving me a source of financial security
12. Music-for lifting my spirits when I am down
13. My home-for a place I can call 'home'
14. Heartbreak-for making me stronger
15. Love-for allowing myself to feel what it truly means to be 'alive'
16. My fears-for allowing me opportunities to grow
17. Movies/TV-for providing a source of entertainment
18. iPhone-for making it easy to stay in touch and provide entertainment
19. Life's challenges-for helping me grow and become a better person
20. Waterproof Mascara-for making it easier to hide the tears
21. My car-for providing a 'get-away' tool
22. My nephews-for allowing my pride to runeth-over
23. Armed Forces-for all of their sacrifices
24. Happy Endings

What are you grateful for?

STRENGTH

• God give me the strength to change the things I can, and the strength to deal with the things I can't...

• Strength does not come from some mystical place because we need it.  Strength is born from the courage to do what must be done

• I am walking on a road I never wanted to travel...Yet I am trusting I am strong enough to not stumble

• I'm not asking you to lighten my load, God.  Just give me the strength to carry it.

• We never know what strength we have until life begins to test us

• It's not always gonna turn out how you want, the trick is to face it head on and bust through the crap and come out on the other side stronger

• Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength, but there are times in life when it takes much more strength to just let go

• We never know how strong we are until strong is the only choice we have

• I seek strength, not to be greater than others, but to fight my greatest enemy...the doubts within myself

CHANGE

• If you don't make changes, tomorrow is going to be very similiar to yesterday, with the exception of you being a day older

• Sometimes things in life turn out differently then what we had planned, but that is just our path changing because we have changed

• Things may never be the same, but maybe one day they'll be even better

• When it comes to making a big change in your life ~ You've got to want it more than you fear it

• People often change for two reasons:  either you've learned enough that you want to change or you've been hurt enough that you need to

• Sometimes it's only after you leave a situation that you realize you shouldn't have been in it to begin with

• Change only happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go

• What you choose is what you shall have...what you allow is what shall continue.  Time for some changes

• Everything happens for a reason.  That reason causes change.  Sometimes the change hurts.  Sometimes the change is hard.  But in the end its all for the best

• If you truly desire a change in your life, you have to be willing to let go of what you know and sometimes go outside of your comfort zone

Update

Here is an update to Where do I go from here?

I'm actually hesitant to put this in writing as I know once I do, I'm somehow going to be jinxed or something.

Things are definitely improving...I can actually see a small sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.  Of course the tunnel is a gazillion miles long, but there is a small shimmer of hope peaking around the bend.

My stepson has made some major strides this week.  None of his accomplishments have gone unnoticed.  We have received letters from a couple of his teachers that he has been asking about extra credit and permission to turn in missing assignments.  (I'm so grateful to his teachers and the school for working with us on this).  He has also not had a single absence or tardy all week long....and even better, he has been waking up to his alarm and the morning routine has greatly improved.  He is bringing homework home almost every night and has been turning in the assignments when due.  He got his haircut last week but we are still working on his 'black' clothing.  Baby steps....

He is still without a TV, cell phone, etc. and I feel bad, but it's going to take more than 7 days of behaving for me to give him all of his freedom back.  To be honest...I'm convinced that one of the major reasons for him waking up to his alarm in the morning is due to the fact that he 'doesn't' have TV or cell phone.  I can't tell you how many nights we have to fight with him to HANG UP THE PHONE AND GO TO BED....and I just know that he was staying up extra late watching TV and then too tired to wake up in the morning.  I have a feeling that when the time comes we will be setting up new boundaries for him in both of these areas.

We have a meeting next week with the private school and I am looking forward to it.  I will keep you all posted about the outcome.

Here are a couple comments he has made to us this past week:

• After getting his haircut..."I can SEE.  I didn't realize how badly my hair was hanging in my eyes".  Yes, dear son...I told you so!
• After a successful morning routine..."It really makes a difference when I wake up in time to get ready and have breakfast before I leave for school".  Yes, dear son...I told you so!
• After successfully turning in all assignments for one school day..."I can't believe I actually thought this stuff was hard.  All you have to do is pay attention in class".  Yes, dear son...I told you so!
• After a nice family night consisting of eating dinner together and then a movie..."It really is better when I behave.  Everyone seems happy tonight".  Yes, dear son...I told you so!

These are baby steps in the grand scheme of things....but, these baby steps have proved to me that he is capable of all the things I knew he was!

Here's hoping for another successful week ahead!

Where do I go from here?

Once again I have started ignoring this place of mine.  For reasons I stated in an earlier post, I have so much to say, but don't feel like this is my outlet for such topics.

Well, today bloggers...I am stepping out of my comfort zone and this post is going to be personal...and I mean really personal!

I guess in a way I need other people, strangers to my situation, to tell me what I am doing right, where can I improve and where I can go from here.

I apologize in advance if this post is confusing and all over the place.  It's hard to put into words when my emotions and thoughts are also 'all over the place'.

In January of this year my 15 year old stepson came to live with us full time.  In a word I would describe him as 'troubled'.  His life has not been easy and for a 15 year old he has endured more things than most adults.  At the age of 9 his father was in a car accident, in a coma for 3 months, and a paraplegic.  Shortly after his father was released from rehab (where he had to learn to speak, write, even to hold a pencil or utensils) his parents divorced. 

His mom is currently going through (another) divorce and contacted us back in the fall stating that the situation at her house was not ideal and that things were totally out of control as far as my stepson was concerned.  He was defiant, rebellious, unruly and totally unmanageable.

We agreed to take over full custody which would require transferring him out of his current school district and into a new one.  We had high hopes at the time that we were going to be the ones to 'change his life forever'.  Our first step was getting him into the best school we could...total failure!  Our state has a "school of choice" option, but if the student has any type of disciplinary record at his current school they will not accept him as a student.  After what seemed like dozens of phone calls we realized our only option was the public school where we live.  Not an ideal choice....but, the only choice we had.

He has been in public school for 5 weeks and instead of taking 'steps forward' we have taken a gazillion steps back.  He is now even more rebellious, unruly, and unmanageable than I could have ever imagined.  He is skipping school (7 absences and 11 tardies in less than 20 days of school), not passing any of his classes (13%-25% with a letter grade of E), failed his home drug test for marijuana (and drug paraphenelia was found at his moms house) and refuses to follow any of our rules.  He is blatantly lying and more defiant than ever.

We are constantly talking to him about his behavior and our expectations.  We have even grounded him, taken away cell phone, tv, guitar...anything worth any value to him.  He simply continues to laugh in our face....it's not working.  After being caught skipping school again yesterday I knew I needed more extreme measures.  I contacted the school and requested that both the counselor and principle get involved.  I even requested approval to have an adult escort him to/from school and to each and every class throughout the day.  I also contacted a private school in our area and have set up a meeting with them to see about transferring him.  I have contacted a local group that works with 'potential' drop out students for counseling and will speak more with them today.  I also contacted a local military school.  The military school would require him to live on the military base for 6 months (no outside contact) and then for 12 months after that he would have a mentor.  Unfortunately, the military school requires him to be 16 years of age before admission.  We won't be eligible for enrollement until the session that begins January 2012.

After speaking with him for almost 2 hours last night in another 'family meeting'....I still have my doubts.  I'm not sure about anything at this point.  We took him to get his hair cut last night and have taken away his current wardrobe (he is into the "goth" look with long hair, all black clothes, black fingernails, etc).  But still....it doesn't feel like enough!  Nothing we do or have done feels like enough!

What else can we do?  I don't consider myself a failure....but this parenting thing is making me question everything I am.

I'm so tired...I'm mentally at my wits end!  I'm questioning everything in my life.  Is this really what I signed up for when I married my husband?  If given the chance would I take it all back?  If I left my husband would my life be easier?  Would I feel this way if he was "my" son and not my stepson?  How much more can I take before I simply give up (on everything and everyone)?

This is the lowest I have ever been.  I don't have much fight left in me....

I'm Disgusted

I'm disgusted....with myself!  I have really let myself go and I'm not happy about it.  But yet, I haven't been unhappy enough to motivate myself to make a change.  It's a twisted circle!

It wasn't until we bought and hung a huge mirror in our bedroom over the weekend that I really was able to see what I had done to myself.  I have known for weeks now that my clothes aren't fitting.  I have been having to pull out bigger sizes from the garage sale bags in the basement, but I couldn't see with my own eyes the damage the past few months have had on my body. 

Another slap in the face was yesterday at the doctor's office.  It was a checkup appointment following a procedure I had done 4 weeks ago and when I stepped on the scales my jaw almost hit the floor.  In just 4 weeks I had gained 8 lbs.

I spent the last 18-20 hours obsessing about my weight and my body image.  I went over and over my weight loss journey and thought about my lifestyle and my food choices during each phase.

In June 2009 when I started Weight Watchers I weighed 157 lbs.  By November 2009 I was down 30 lbs.  During this phase I was what you would call a "die hard".  I journaled every item I consumed and meticulously counted points.  I was so happy with myself and my image.  From February 2010 to about September 2010 I was maintaining at a healthy 132-134 lbs.  I could eat what I wanted as long as I kept my portions right and everything in moderation.  I did not journal and only tracked my points in my head.  I was happy at this weight and still loved the way my clothes fit and how my body looked.

From October-December 2010 I had a lot of personal things going on in my life and I pretty much gave up on myself and gave up on weight watchers.  My weight loss journey no longer played an important role.  Which leads me to today...I am a hot mess!  I am less than 10 lbs away from being back to my heaviest weight.  How did I let this happen?  Don't answer that because I know full well how this happened.

But, it is not important how I got here, it's what am I going to do now that I've arrived.  And what I'm going to do is this:

Set new goals...

1. I have a bathing suit I bought on my honeymoon that I fully intend on wearing this summer
2. I will journal my meals and track points
3. I will "get physical"...even if it's just using my wii workouts until the weather gets nicer
4. I will take healthy snacks/lunches to work and not rely on the vending machine to fulfill my needs
5. I will plan our dinners so there is no need for a fast food run

This is all I have for now, but it is a start.  It is the beginning to my weight loss journey (Part 2).  Any tips and/or advice?

Debating what to do

I'm having problems with this little blog I call mine!  I started this blog when I was planning my wedding as a way to document the process, keep my wedding party informed, and keep my ideas in one place.  Now that my wedding has come and gone I'm having a hard time finding anything to write about.  Well, anything I consider "blog worthy".

And the posts that I so desperately 'need' to write about I can't, because I don't want to air my dirty laundry knowing that people who know me in real life could easily read it.

So instead,  I ignore this little place I used to call mine.  I don't know what to do....

And not that this is a popularity contest, but it is always nice to read the comments people leave, but as of now I think I only have 2 individuals who even stop by anymore.

So there you have it....It's not that I'm ignoring you oh, little blog of mine...it's just that I don't know what to write about anymore. 

What should I do?