A.K.A. Debbie Downer

I really hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I feel like I'm overwhelmed with every aspect of my life right now.

I am freshly coming off a 9 day vacation and I don't feel any better today than I did 2 weeks ago.  Is that normal?  Don't most people come back from vacation feeling refreshed and ready to face the world?

I don't feel like thinking long enough to write in paragraphs so you are getting bullet points!

• I'm tired!!!  No matter how much sleep I get....I am still tired!  And not necessarily tired like I need to take a nap, but more like I need to sit down and just relax
• My job sucks!!!  Yes, I am thankful to have a job....but that doesn't mean I can't hate every minute of every day that I am there.  I am over used and under paid and it's taking a toll on me.
• I'm sad!!!  The loss of Walker is still affecting me.  And watching Tucker mope around the house doesn't help!  I wonder if I will ever get rid of the guilt I feel over the whole pill incident.
• I'm broke!!!  Between all of the money we have spent on Lainey and her chiropractor appointments, her acupuncture, the surgery, the trips to the emergency vet, her medications, daycare fees, etc...and then the emergency vet appointments with both cats, the cremation fees, etc...we have spent a huge chunk of money the past 4 months.  It is money that we had (in savings), but nonetheless, it makes me stressed to think about not having that "comfort" just in case we need it.  I can probably bet on the fact that this will probably be the year our furnace will go out...just our luck!
• Christmas!!!  My entire life Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year.  It is a time spent with family and friends, everyone is happy, and Christmas music makes my heart skip a beat!  This year it feels different.  This year it is so stressful.  The holiday is losing it's meaning (not to me, but to others close to me).  I am actually thinking of boycotting and spending Christmas with only my husband. 

I just realized that this list could go on forever and I like you too much to put you through that kind of torture so I will end now!

Actually, here are a couple "happy" pictures from my vacation....that way the blog-o-sphere won't consider me a total Debbie Downer.

I hate Valentine's Day

I was going to write a whole post about why I hate Valentine's Day, but then I read this article on CNN and it sums up all my feelings!

Why I hate Valentine's Day

And, on a personal note....My hubby and I got into a huge fight yesterday!  Ughhh!  Our Valentine's Day was awful.  Do you wanna know what the fight was about?  Tator-tot casserole.  Yes, my friends....tator-tot casserole!  Evidently my husband doesn't like cream of mushroom soup used in recipes AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! 

Thank God that stupid "day of love" is over!

Happy Valentine's Day

Grief

It's been 8 months since my brother passed away and I can honestly say that my heart aches more today than it did on that horrible Monday in April.

I think about him ALL.THE.TIME!!!  And on days when my heart just can't take any more....I cry!  In the past couple weeks I have cried at Target, in the car driving, on the couch watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, at my desk, in the shower, walking the dog.  I feel like I am constantly trying to hide my feelings and wipe my tears before anyone sees them and it is killing me.  All I really want is one good, loud, snot-dripping cry without being afraid of someone asking me what is wrong.  I don't like to explain my tears.  I feel like as long as I don't say the words out loud than it can't possibly be true.  Obviously, I'm not crazy and know that reality is what it is, but I really hate saying it out loud.

I'm hurting and don't know how to make it better.  I don't even necessarily want it to go away, because I want my heart to always remember....but, I can't go on like this.  I'm starting to think my grief is affecting more of my life than I would like to admit. 

I'm even so desperate that every night before I go to bed, I pray to my brother to please visit me in my dreams.  I just want to hear his voice, to know that he is okay.  But, every morning I wake up and he never came!  Which then, starts this crazy mind of mine on a whole other roller coaster with a whole other set of questions.

I'm not even going to re-read this post before hitting publish....I already know I sound like a crazy person and I'm okay with that.

I miss you!!!

Baby Sister got Hitched

My baby sister got married on New Years Eve.  It was by far the most beautiful, most formal wedding I have ever been to.

But, best of all....they had a photo booth!  I'm venturing to guess that my siblings and I probably used it the most. 

Here are some of the pics we took:

Of course, hubby and I got in on the action too.....

Here are a few other family pics. 
(my sister, the bride, is not in any of these pics because she is on her honeymoon and none are being posted until she returns and gives the ok)

Hubby and I

Dad, Me, Sister Rachel, Grandma, Brother Chad

And here we are in "birth order"...it's a family joke!

Some of the cousins....good genes sure do run in the family!

Sister and I

And, before I forget.....I have to give credit to my sister Rachel for all of these pics.  I forgot my camera as we were rushing out the door. (typical Amy style)

Shopping, Shopping and More Shopping

I'm not usually one to complain about shopping, but the past 3 weeks have been insane! In a 24 hr period I am only doing one of the following:  sleeping, working or SHOPPING!

Not only have I been shopping for my own family and inlaws, but I am also doing all of the shopping for our company party at work.  This requires purchasing 25 gifts (unisex gifts) and trying to stay between $30-$35.  In my mind this seemed like such a simple task....boy was I wrong!!!

For one thing, gifts are either geared towards a male or geared towards a female.  Purchasing something that both gendors would enjoy is nearly impossible. 

Secondly, most gifts are priced at either $20 or upwards of $40.  Finding 25 items that fall around $30 gives you slim pickin's.  And evidently, it is frowned upon if you buy duplicate items in order to get to your desired spending amount.

I am currently 7 gifts away from finishing this task and I am stumped.  Any ideas would be much appreciated.

Not Enough Hours in the Day

So today is my 3rd day back to work after having 11 days off.  And to be completely honest....I need another vacation! I was more busy during those 11 days off, than I would have been had I gone into the office.

My time off consisted of a ton of shopping, 3 Thanksgiving celebrations (all on separate days), holiday decorating (both indoors and out), my sister's birthday, laundry and house cleaning, and spending time with family.  All of these items bring me great joy, but I greatly missed having a single minute alone with my husband during those 11 days.  By the end of my time off, we were so physically exhausted from being on the go, that I think we were both ready for me to go back to work.  At least during a normal work week we have dinner together and get some quality time to talk about our day, upcoming events, etc.  It's hard to put into words how badly I missed those simple conversations.

The good news, is that I have many scheduled days off in December and I am counting down the days until then.  I have promised myself that I will SLOW DOWN and enjoy those days as much as possible.

And because this post was kind of a downer....here is a picture of Lainey displaying her holiday spirit as we decorate the Christmas tree.

All I have is Bullets....

• Today I take both cats to the vet for their annual check up.  This will also be a 2 week check-up for Walker following his trip to the emergency vet for his bladder...I hope I get the news I am hoping for!

• Normally during the Christmas/New Year season I get about 14-16 days off from work.  This year I am only getting 7!  I'm hoping that in those 7 days I can find some time to relax and re-energize!  I'm just exhausted lately and my schedule doesn't allow me a day to veg out until after Christmas.

• I'm addicted to the Hallmark channel....I just love the Christmas movies.  Normally during this time of year I get hooked on Lifetime for the 25 days of Christmas but this year it's definitely the Hallmark channel.

• We are done Christmas shopping all but one person.  I also have almost everything all wrapped and under the tree.  Definitely ahead of schedule considering I'm normally wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve.

• I joined Weight Watchers again last week and they started a new Points Plus program the same day I joined.  It's going to take some getting used to.  I understand the overall concept of the changes, but still have some doubts that the system is actually going to work as well as the old one.  Only time will tell.  I've been tracking my points for 3 days straight and only hope I will continue.  I don't have as much to lose this time, but I should have never allowed myself to get to this point.

• We go a little crazy decorating outside for Christmas and our electrical bill doubled from last month.  We have since added more lights outdoors so I can only imagine what next month's bill will bring.  But, it's totally worth it :-)

• My self esteem has taken a toll lately.  Not only have I gained 14 lbs since my wedding in July, but I am so pasty white.  I can't afford to go to the tanner (and it's not healthy to begin with) and I live in Michigan so it's not like sunshine is available, so I'm feeling a little blah lately.  I even try to wear makeup every once in a while and I still don't feel "pretty".  Ugh...I hate when I get into these funks

• This will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.  I have found that every holiday we have celebrated since our wedding has been so much fun.  Who would have thought that picking out hallmark cards addressed to "husband" would be so exciting!

• I miss my family and friends.  It might be the time of year or it might be that the first half of the year was spent getting together so frequently with them for all my wedding related activities and now I feel like I haven't seen anyone in ages.  I don't live that far from my family or friends (1.5 hrs) but this time of the year is so hectic for everyone.  It's like pulling teeth trying to find a free weekend to get together. 

Bullets

I've been neglecting to blog lately because I feel like there is either nothing worthwhile to talk about or so much to talk about that I can't begin to put it into words.  So today I've decided to update life using bullet points.

• This upcoming Saturday I'm having Thanksgiving with my in-laws
• Thanksgiving day will be spent with my sister and her family this year as the rest of our family has other priorities
• That same sister turns the big "4-0" on Black Friday..Happy Early Birthday Rachel!
• My hometown highschool football team is playing in the semi-finals this upcoming weekend and if they win they will be competing in the state finals at Ford Field in Detroit the weekend of Thanksgiving.  I am planning on going so I'm praying they win this Saturday
• This past weekend I attended a baby shower of one of my best friends.  I have mixed feelings about the day.  I've come to realize that my "best" friends are failing me...I don't know if we are growing apart, if we lack things in common or I've been naive in who I thought they were.  Either way, it hurts to know life is not the same as it used to be.
• I've gained 13 lbs since my wedding in July and I'm having a terrible time getting motivated to lose it.  I hate the way I look, how my clothes fit, etc, but I can't seem to want to do anything about it.  And worse, the holidays are fast approaching which means lots of BIG meals and baked goods.
• My step-son will be living with us full-time starting in December.  If you remember, he was supposed to move in with us before the new school year started, but my husbands ex-wife changed her mind at the last minute.  As of yesterday she has once again changed her mind...
• I am so burned out on life...especially work.  I have never been so looking forward to some time off.  I will have a long weekend next week for Thanksgiving and hopefully 7-8 days off for Christmas. 
• The time change sucks.  I hate that it is dark out before I even get home from work.
• I'm so ready to decorate for Christmas.  I think we are going to begin bringing out the Christmas decor this weekend.
• As I've stated before...I LOVE Christmas music!  A local radio station began playing it on Monday so I even listen while at work.

There you have it...my life in bullets! 

The Soothing Sound of Jingle Bell Rock

I know we are only a few days past Halloween, but I am so ready to start decorating for Christmas!  It is by far my most favorite holiday.  I even started listening to Christmas music at work yesterday.  There is nothing else that can make me feel so warm inside.  I truly believe if Christmas music was played all year long I wouldn't be so stressed.  Case in point...this morning was a hell of a morning when my phone started ringing just after 6:30am with work "issues".  As soon as I arrived to the office I logged onto iTunes and jammed to a little Jingle Bell Rock and all the stress of the morning was gone.  I even found myself smiling a little!

What are some of your favorite Christmas tunes?

Valentines Day Movie

I really want to go see "Valentine's Day". Can you believe the all-star cast....Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, George Lopez, Julia Roberts and Taylor Swift (just to name a few).

The movie shows how love was approached from different angles and different generations - from the 10-year old boy with his first crush, to the thirtysomethings dealing with their relationship, all the way to the older married couple looking back at their journey of love they have taken together.

I'm a sucker for a good love story type of movie!

Now, my problem is this....1) fiance doesn't typically enjoy these types of movies 2) I'm sure the movie theatre is going to be packed all weekend with couples celebrating valentine's day 3) the reviews from this movie have been horrible (see below).

• The Chicago Sun said "Valentine's Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do NOT date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date"

• The New York Times said "This might not be the Titanic of romantic comedies (it’s tugboat size), but it’s a disaster: cynically made, barely directed, terribly written. But quick: there’s still time to escape!"

• USA Today said "The film feels as calculatedly sentimental as one of those bland pink candy hearts."

What's a girl to do??? I guess I could always wait until it comes out on video.

I'm Back....

Obviously, I took some time off.....2 weeks without any blogging (or reading other blogs) is exactly what I needed!! Most of this was by choice, but also because the past 16 days have flown by like a big blur. I honestly can't believe that I am going back to work tomorrow after 2+ weeks off. I feel like I just had a long weekend, and that's not good. I'm totally not rejuvenated and could cry at the thought of reality slapping me in the face tomorrow.

When I started my vacation back on December 18 I had this big "to-do" list of specific things I wanted to accomplish during my time off. I looked at that list today and I was only able to cross off two items. I'm so disappointed in myself.

Needless to say, 2010 has not started off the way I had hoped. I'm physically and mentally exhausted and just pray that I can get back into the swing of things

Day 2

Today is day 2 off of work.....Yesterday I finished some last minute shopping I needed to do and then wrapped presents for nearly 4 hours. Once I find my camera cord I will take a picture of all the presents under our tree (and Santa hasn't even come yet).

Today is laundry day and clean bathrooms day! God I love vacations! I'm starting to wonder if I could be a stay at home wife!! My house is going to be sparkling by Christmas Day!

Only 3 more days until Christmas....we sure are ready around here!

No More Wake-ups

Today is my last day of work until January 4, 2010. I've been counting down my "wake-ups" all week. And as of this morning I will not be waking up to an alarm for 16 days!!

This afternoon I have our company Christmas party and then after that we are meeting at the local watering hole for some holiday festivities.

For the first time in FOREVER I am totally stress free. I know the remaining holiday season will be busy for me, but at least I won't have to go to the office!! Let me say that one more time...."I will not be working for the next 16 days". Now that is music to my ears!

Happy Holidays to all and best wishes for a Happy New Year!!

Bah Humbug

I love all things Christmas. I wish it was Christmas season all year long (minus the snow and cold weather, of course). But, what I don't like is when the stress of the season causes me to lose my temper!

Yesterday I purchased two $50 prepaid gift cards to Meijer to give to two employees of mine who are truly less fortunate than myself. Well, as I'm sitting at my desk this morning I decide I'll activate the cards for them that way they don't have to worry about it (seeing as neither of them have a phone or access to the internet).

To make a long, disturbing story very short.....the cards cannot be activated and I may not be able to get a refund. And if they do approve my refund than it will take 10-14 business days for a check to come in the mail!!! WTF......so now I have to decide if I'm going to go spend another $100 and get 2 more cards or if I should just put cash in an envelope or should I just bag the whole idea.

I am heading to Meijer right now to see if I can work this out with someone "in person". I pray that I remain calmer than I did while on the phone to the help line!! It's very disappointing to me that by doing something nice for someone it's caused me this much grief! Bahhh Humbug

Lazy Day Sunday

I never got out of my PJ's yesterday.......what a glorious day!! My house still needs cleaned and those Christmas presents aren't going to wrap themselves, but I needed a day of rest.

T Minus 14 Days.....

Can you believe it's only 2 weeks away from Thanksgiving? Where did the year go? I guess most of it, for me, was spent wedding planning. And let me tell you....this break I've been on has been wonderful, but as of next week I will be back in wedding planning mode once again.

Not only is Thanksgiving only 2 weeks away, but my sister's birthday is on the same day. I can't wait to spend time with the family, relax, and of course, do a little Christmas shopping. I'm already totally pumped up for Black Friday! I love the adrenaline rush of waking up early to stand in the freezing cold just to try and beat the person behind you to the best deals possible.

But to be totally honest, I'm most excited about having some much needed time off work. I will not be working the Wednesday before Thanksgiving or the Monday after....yes, you do the math...that's 6 days of nothing but total awesomeness!! Sleeping in, decorating the house, shopping, spending time with family.......I can't think of a better way to spend my mini-vacation.

Dear Santa

This will be the first Christmas in my new house and I'm so excited to start decorating! I know, I know....I just took down my Halloween stuff this week. But, really is there anything better than Christmas and the joy it brings?

We are planning on putting up our lights this weekend so we won't be doing it when the snow comes. Oops....I just said the "S" word! God forgive me.....

This is my inspiration.....

Now I just need to get me a new house......with 2 stories, pillars on the front porch, a long driveway, a brick gate and some pine trees out front! I better start my Dear Santa letter.

Grumpy Pants...

I'm not sure what happened in the past 48 hours, but I have become quite the grump!

It doesn't help that it is 48 degrees outside, dark, rainy and miserable. I am NOT ready for this kind of weather. Fall is a beautiful season here in Michigan, but I'm just not ready. And has anyone realized how early it is getting dark at night and how it is still dark until late in the morning. The time change associated with this time of year just kills me.

In addition to this horrible weather I feel like I haven't seen my fiance in a coons age! It's literally been almost 2 weeks since we have spent one night/day together. Granted, we do live together so at some point in the night we are both sleeping in bed and I wake him every morning before work, but that's been the only "us" time we have had. We are just so busy doing different things during the week and then last weekend I was out of town.....uurrgghhhh! As of right now it looks like Sunday will be the day we can spend some time together. That is until one of us commits to something else......

Weight Watchers is still going great, in leiu of the fact that I gained 1.8 lbs this week after losing almost 4 lbs last week. I'm on this roller coaster for the past 4 weeks and I just wish I could keep losing instead of going up and down, up and down on the scale.

Work is.......well, let's just say that if I don't get a vacation soon I'm going to lose it! And I'm pretty sure that none of us want that to happen!!

Money has become another big stress! We have done so well saving money for the wedding and we should have most of that paid off the first of the year and of course we have cut down on our home improvement projects until after the wedding to save money.......but, Christmas is right around the corner! How did we forget to budget for the holidays??? I just can't even think about it......Where are we going to get the extra money? We are stretched to the max right now with our income and holiday spending IS NOT INCLUDED!!! Will we have to take it out of our savings? Will we have to take it out of our grocery money? Can we skip Christmas this year?

And last but not least........Here's a little story (with a little background history) about something that happened to me last weekend. It's a little reminder that not everyone has class and not everyone understands the true meaning of love..........
As unfortunate as it is, my fiance is in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down, as a result of a car accident a few years ago. But the fact that he is handicapped, does not take away the fact that he is the love of my life. That he treats me better than any person on this earth has ever even attempted to. That he has the most amazing strength and character and I feel blessed to share my life with him. Knowing all of this about him I hope you have the same reaction as I did to what I am about to tell you..........I went back to my hometown this past weekend and had someone come up to me and mention that they heard I was engaged. When I replied that "yes, I'm getting married and I'm so lucky" this person responded with "Lucky, I heard you were marrying a cripple!" Yes, people....you read that right! Someone actually had the audacity to call the man I consider my hero, A CRIPPLE!! I've got to believe that most of us know that you JUST DON'T SAY THAT TO PEOPLE but obviously not everyone does.

And on that note.........I must say good-bye! I'm still so angry about the previous story that I can't even think straight or type because my hands are shaking. We will talk again soon....and hopefully I've taken off my grumpy pants by then!

Independance Day

July 4th isn't necessarily one of my favorite holidays, but I can't tell you how excited I am for the holiday this year. I will be surrounded by family and that makes my heart skip a beat. My mom's brother and his family from Ohio will be here tomorrow along with my grandmother, my sister and her family and possibly a couple of my brothers. We will watch fireworks, watch the hot air balloons, cookout, swim and just be together hanging out! Who could ask for a better weekend?

Happy 4th of July!!