I'm Disgusted

I'm disgusted....with myself!  I have really let myself go and I'm not happy about it.  But yet, I haven't been unhappy enough to motivate myself to make a change.  It's a twisted circle!

It wasn't until we bought and hung a huge mirror in our bedroom over the weekend that I really was able to see what I had done to myself.  I have known for weeks now that my clothes aren't fitting.  I have been having to pull out bigger sizes from the garage sale bags in the basement, but I couldn't see with my own eyes the damage the past few months have had on my body. 

Another slap in the face was yesterday at the doctor's office.  It was a checkup appointment following a procedure I had done 4 weeks ago and when I stepped on the scales my jaw almost hit the floor.  In just 4 weeks I had gained 8 lbs.

I spent the last 18-20 hours obsessing about my weight and my body image.  I went over and over my weight loss journey and thought about my lifestyle and my food choices during each phase.

In June 2009 when I started Weight Watchers I weighed 157 lbs.  By November 2009 I was down 30 lbs.  During this phase I was what you would call a "die hard".  I journaled every item I consumed and meticulously counted points.  I was so happy with myself and my image.  From February 2010 to about September 2010 I was maintaining at a healthy 132-134 lbs.  I could eat what I wanted as long as I kept my portions right and everything in moderation.  I did not journal and only tracked my points in my head.  I was happy at this weight and still loved the way my clothes fit and how my body looked.

From October-December 2010 I had a lot of personal things going on in my life and I pretty much gave up on myself and gave up on weight watchers.  My weight loss journey no longer played an important role.  Which leads me to today...I am a hot mess!  I am less than 10 lbs away from being back to my heaviest weight.  How did I let this happen?  Don't answer that because I know full well how this happened.

But, it is not important how I got here, it's what am I going to do now that I've arrived.  And what I'm going to do is this:

Set new goals...

1. I have a bathing suit I bought on my honeymoon that I fully intend on wearing this summer
2. I will journal my meals and track points
3. I will "get physical"...even if it's just using my wii workouts until the weather gets nicer
4. I will take healthy snacks/lunches to work and not rely on the vending machine to fulfill my needs
5. I will plan our dinners so there is no need for a fast food run

This is all I have for now, but it is a start.  It is the beginning to my weight loss journey (Part 2).  Any tips and/or advice?

All I have is Bullets....

• Today I take both cats to the vet for their annual check up.  This will also be a 2 week check-up for Walker following his trip to the emergency vet for his bladder...I hope I get the news I am hoping for!

• Normally during the Christmas/New Year season I get about 14-16 days off from work.  This year I am only getting 7!  I'm hoping that in those 7 days I can find some time to relax and re-energize!  I'm just exhausted lately and my schedule doesn't allow me a day to veg out until after Christmas.

• I'm addicted to the Hallmark channel....I just love the Christmas movies.  Normally during this time of year I get hooked on Lifetime for the 25 days of Christmas but this year it's definitely the Hallmark channel.

• We are done Christmas shopping all but one person.  I also have almost everything all wrapped and under the tree.  Definitely ahead of schedule considering I'm normally wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve.

• I joined Weight Watchers again last week and they started a new Points Plus program the same day I joined.  It's going to take some getting used to.  I understand the overall concept of the changes, but still have some doubts that the system is actually going to work as well as the old one.  Only time will tell.  I've been tracking my points for 3 days straight and only hope I will continue.  I don't have as much to lose this time, but I should have never allowed myself to get to this point.

• We go a little crazy decorating outside for Christmas and our electrical bill doubled from last month.  We have since added more lights outdoors so I can only imagine what next month's bill will bring.  But, it's totally worth it :-)

• My self esteem has taken a toll lately.  Not only have I gained 14 lbs since my wedding in July, but I am so pasty white.  I can't afford to go to the tanner (and it's not healthy to begin with) and I live in Michigan so it's not like sunshine is available, so I'm feeling a little blah lately.  I even try to wear makeup every once in a while and I still don't feel "pretty".  Ugh...I hate when I get into these funks

• This will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.  I have found that every holiday we have celebrated since our wedding has been so much fun.  Who would have thought that picking out hallmark cards addressed to "husband" would be so exciting!

• I miss my family and friends.  It might be the time of year or it might be that the first half of the year was spent getting together so frequently with them for all my wedding related activities and now I feel like I haven't seen anyone in ages.  I don't live that far from my family or friends (1.5 hrs) but this time of the year is so hectic for everyone.  It's like pulling teeth trying to find a free weekend to get together. 

How Does That Happen?

I gained a TON of weight at weigh in this week (2.6 lbs). This was a result of "taking a week off" from the Weight Watcher program. I hit my goal last week and decided to reward myself with way too much food. I just needed to take a break and I told myself it was only for a week.....and that's truly what it was. Tuesday after weigh in I was right back on program. It's so comforting to know that I can "fall of the wagon" but have enough determination inside me to get right back on.

Anyway, what this post is really about is this.......Tuesday/Wednesday I was at the same weight but somehow this morning I've lost 3 lbs. I weighed less this morning than I did at last weeks weigh in when I hit my goal weight.......HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

I understand that my weight is constantly fluctuating based on time of day, time of month, water retention, etc. but I just don't understand how 3 lbs can just disappear overnight....Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining....I'm just confused!

I DID IT....I DID IT.....

I REACHED MY WEIGHT WATCHERS GOAL WEIGHT TODAY (actually, a pound "under" my goal weight to be exact)

It took me 6 months to lose 30 lbs, but I couldn't be more proud of myself! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning, I feel like I just won the lottery, I feel like I can do ANYTHING!!!

Today couldn't have come at a better time. I've been really down lately and this is the best "pick-me-up" I could have asked for!

Whoot Whoot.....that's me tooting my own horn!!! Yea for me!!

Weight Watchers Update

I began Weight Watchers on June 2 so I am just over 5 months into the program. I was progressing at an unbelievable pace until about 6 weeks ago when things halted. I've been hovering the same weight for almost 2 months now and I am beyond frustrated. But don't get me wrong...I'm not frustrated with the program, I am frustrated with myself. I have not given up, but I have definitely been slacking. I don't count my points anymore and I am much more lenient when it comes to making the right food choices. Just last week alone I consumed 3 slices of Jet's deep dish pepperoni pizza, a huge taco plate at El Chaps, Taco Bell, a triple-cheese grilled cheese on texas toast with fries at Millers, and boat loads of candy left from Halloween.......what is happening with me? Three months ago I was almost grossed out by the thought of eating any of the food I just listed. Why, all of a sudden, did I think it was okay? And then to think that I was shocked when I saw my weight on the scale at weigh-in this week.

I am declaring to the blogging world that today is the day I turn things around. I am going to start counting points again and planning my meals. I am only 3 lbs away from my WW goal weight and only 8 lbs away from my personal goal weight and I know I can do this!!!! It's only a couple weeks away from Thanksgiving and if I don't get my butt (mind) in gear and get back on program I am going to regret it. I can do this........I can do this!!!

Be Happy

I've been having a crappy week....okay, I'll be honest, I've been having a crappy few weeks. But today, I feel happy!

My sister called me today with some very good news and since our phone call I can't stop smiling. I am so happy for her. It is the best feeling in the world to know that someone you love is so happy, so excited, so full of life! She has always been my inspiration and today she inspired me to be happy!

I couldn't be more proud of my sister and I hope she knows that.

CONGRATS RACH!

Weight Watchers - Week 13

I almost forgot to post this week.......Good news, I lost 1.4 lbs this week. That puts my total weight loss at 19.8 lbs. I JUST WANT TO HIT THE 20 LB MARK AND IT'S KILLING ME!

When I first started WW my fiance asked me how much weight I thought I could lose and how much I planned on losing. The first thing that crossed my mind was "I want to lose 20 lbs" I wasn't very convinced that I could do it, but it sounded good when I said it. So here I am .2 lbs away and it's killing me! I mean come one...what exactly is .2 lbs anyway? I think my engagement ring weighs about .2 lbs....OMG, why didn't I think of that? I need to start taking off my ring before weight in!

Let's hope this holiday weekend doesn't do too much damage because I'm going to hit the 20 lb mark next week if it's the last thing I do! Bring on Week 14.......and bring on the hot dogs, macaroni salad, pie, pasta.......errrrr wait a minute....that's not going to help me lose weight at all!

Weight Watchers - Week 12

Wow, can you believe that it has been 3 months already? I'm so happy with my progress. This week I lost 2.0 lbs......yahoo!! I know I promised myself last week that I would start tracking my points again, but I didn't. For 2 weeks I have been slacking and it's just not acceptable anymore. Today starts a new week for me and I WILL TRACK MY POINTS, DAILY......

I've declared it to the world so maybe I'll actually get my butt in gear this week.

Total weight loss = 18.4 lbs

Weight Watchers - Week 11

I was all prepared for a "gain" this week considering I pretty much fell off the wagon last week and was happily surprised to see a .4 lb loss.

It was my fiance's birthday Saturday and we had 3-4 days of celebration which didn't involve ANYTHING to help my weight loss. We had cake, strawberry pie, pizza, chinese, cook-outs, wine, beer, liquor, etc.

I think last week I reached a "mental" plateau. I stopped "working the program" and became very relaxed. This relaxed attitude may be because I am "getting comfortable" with the program and stopped tracking points and stopped measuring portion sizes. I think I got to a spot where I felt pretty good about how I look and felt like I could "take it easy" for a few days. I know I am in no position to be taking it easy since I am still 15 lbs away from my goal weight, but I gave in! I also feel like maybe I used people's comments (you look great, OMG how much weight have you lost, etc) to justify some extra food/alcohol intake.

Well, as of today, I am back on the wagon! I will start tracking my daily points again will put the program back to work.

Bring on Week 12......

I'm losing it....

Forewarning....this may turn into the most random post ever!

Do you ever feel like you have SO MUCH going on in your head that you have trouble doing even the simplest things? Like your brain can't stop turning long enough for you to remember how to tie your shoes? My brain is so chuck full of "stuff" lately that I can't seem to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. Today I managed to spell my name wrong.....who does that? I've had the same name for 33 years now and today I couldn't even manage enough brain power to get that right. You would think it was pretty easy A-M-Y.....how hard is that? And it's not just my name that I'm messing up. I feel like I'm screwing up at work, I'm screwing up at home...I just can't focus! I hang up with people after speaking to them on the phone and I can't even remember what we just talked about because the whole time they are talking to me I'm going over about a million things in my head. Even as I'm trying to post this I can't stay focused long enough to make complete sentences (I apologize now for my imperfect grammar if there is any due to this issue).

I'm thinking (hoping) that maybe if I list some of the things that keep revolving in my brain I might feel better. Maybe by seeing it on paper it will make me realize that this is just plain silly. There is nothing on this list that is worth what I have been going through. Don says that I'm even talking about it in my sleep. I've got to clear my brain and stop with this nonsense.

Okay, so here is a short version of some of the things that continuously go around and around in my head:

• Start tanning (I want to start wedding dress shopping soon and I want some color before I do this)
• Buy softener salt
• Fill out the contract for our DJ and get in mail ASAP along with deposit
• Set up appt with rental company to finalize contract (note to self: remember to remove salad plates from rental contract)
• Get oil changed in car
• Clean out car
• Get wire fencing put up out back before dog realizes he can crawl under neighbors fence
• Buy something to get rid of Moles in back yard
• Call officiant and set up appt to discuss ceremony
• Pay bills (note to self: add new bill pay info for refinanced car loan and remove old loan info)
• Add Don to savings account
• Clean out garage
• Record weight watchers points
• Workout
• Drink more water
• Faucet handles in tub need replaced
• Need to get baseboard for basement carpet
• Get groceries
• Put more water in the fridge to get cold
• Buy cat food
• File pets "micro chip" information in home office
• Change federal withholding back to normal on my payroll checks
• Get chicken out of freezer to thaw
• Balance checkbook
• Pluck eyebrows
• Download pictures off my camera
• Update my blog
• Shampoo carpets
• Find out why automatic car starter isn't working
• Take comforter to dry cleaners
• Put additional cat litter box back in spare bedroom
• Give the dog a bath
• Order more checks (note to self: change address on checks)
• Schedule engagement pictures
• Update wedding binder and remove any unnecessary paperwork
• Buy face cream

Breathe Amy....Just breathe!!!

This is just a short glimpse of the list that encompasses my every thought. And this list doesn't even include anything about work.....I won't go there! I've already made a fool of myself so I don't want to make it any worse.

Have I ever told you that I have a mild case of OCD? No? Well, I guess we'll save that post for a rainy day!

Weight Watchers - Week 10

Today I reached my 1/2 way mark.......I've lost 16.2 lbs so far and only have 15.8 lbs to go. I'm still so motivated and can only hope that the next 10 weeks go as good as the previous.

I've been really slacking on my exercise and need to get back motivated. It doesn't do any good to lose the pounds if you don't tone your body. It just seems like life is so hectic right now and I can't seem to find the time to dedicate to my workouts.

I try not to get down on myself because even though I'm not working out, I'm still losing the weight, which is why I started Weight Watchers to begin with.

I feel healthy and I look amazing (if I do say so myself) so I'm going to continue with what I'm doing and let things happen as they may.

Bring on Week 11.....

Yahoo....

Went shopping today for dress slacks for work. I'm currently at a point in my weight loss that everything is TOO BIG!!! I have dropped 2 pant sizes since I've started Weight Watchers. It's only been 9 weeks and I've made a huge progress towards my goal weight!

I can't stop smiling....today was a good day!

Weight Watchers - Week 8 & 9

I forgot to post last week's progress....oops!

Week 8 - Lost 1.2 lbs (no excercise)
Week 9 - Lost 1 lb (no excercise)

I am currently at 15.2 lbs lost and it feels wonderful. Last week I was able to fit into some clothes that I haven't worn in a while and it was great. This week I put on a pair of my dress slacks for work and had to roll the waist because they were so big......I can definitely see some changes in my body and boy oh boy does it make me happy.

My goal for this week are to begin excercising again. The doctor said I had to wait at least 3 weeks after my procedure to start any physical activity and I am finally there. To be honest, I'm looking forward to walking again! It's so relaxing and a great time to clear my mind.

Bring on week 10.......I'm ready!

Weight Watchers - Week 7

I lost 2.2 lbs this week! That puts me at an even 13 lbs lost....YES!

Weight Watchers - Week 6

Whooo Hooo........another loss! A whopping .4 lbs.....haha! I'm so happy with this loss considering I haven't worked out in a week due to my medical stuff going on. Also because my food choices haven't been the best with me not feeling good. I'm staying within my point range, but my meals are lacking any nutritional value.

My main goal for this week is to DRINK WATER!!! I only drink water, but it seems like the past week I just haven't drank enough.

Weight Watchers - Week 5

I lost 2.2 lbs this week (10.4 total)........and praise the Lord above because I don't know how!! I ate like it was my J-O-B this past weekend. For the first time ever I used all of my extra weekly points along with a few activity points.

I worked out 4 times and met my goal from last week and I also tracked every point. However, I did not do so well on planning ahead for meals and BBQ's. It will be so nice to get back on track this week. I hate when my life gets out of whack and my daily schedules are all messed up. I need order in my life and tend to "slip up" when I don't have it.

Wish me luck for Week 6.........bring it on!

Weight Watchers - Week 4

So I gained .4 lbs this week. I'm thrilled with that number considering it's my special time of the month and also because I ate a ton of things this past week that I'm not proud of! Not to mention that I didn't do ANY type of activity all week when I'm used to walking or using the elliptical.

Today is a new day. My goals this week are:

• Exercise at least 4 days
• Plan out meals ahead of time for healthier choices
• Don't be so sloppy tracking my points
• Weigh and measure my food
• Eat more snacks that contain an actual "nutritional value" - no wasted calories
• Drink more water
• PLAN for the holiday weekend. This may mean bringing my own food to cook-outs or eating a small meal before I go so I'm not as tempted. I will also remember to eat foods that I rarely get to enjoy. I don't want to waste points on stuff I can have on any given day.

I'm still down 8.8 lbs from when I started and still totally motivated....bring on week 5!!!!

Staying on Plan

Over the past 3 weeks that I have been on Weight Watchers, I've been doing a lot of online reading....The WW website has been helpful. I love to read the community posts for topics such as fitness, health, recipe/snack suggestions, how to handle special occassions, restaurant advice and general topics for newbies, like myself.

But, the one thing that always seem to pop up in these posts, is that even after making healthy food choices and staying active that people are gaining weight instead of losing. They become frustrated and tend to lose all motivation instead of congratulating themselves for their hard work and keeping positive about the weeks to come.

I know this is easy for me to say now, because I have been lucky enough to "lose" weight each week, but I know my day is coming when I step on that scale and it shows a gain. I can only hope that I will be able to stay on plan, eat healthy foods and keep my chin up. I understand that no one starts super motivated and stays super motivated every day for the rest of their life. That's not realistic. It seems totally normal to lose motivation or see your motivation slipping during your journey. That doesn't mean that I have failed, I'm just temporarily distracted and need to get re-motivated.

If, and when, I get to the point where I am losing motivation, I would like to look back at my original reasons for changing my life. As of now, my motivators are:

• I want to fit into my clothes again
• I want to look beautiful and healthy on my wedding day
• I want to be able to look at pictures of myself
• I want my self-esteem back
• I want to be comfortable and not so self conscious all of the time
• I want to be healthy
• I want to become fit...and not like "run a marathon" type of fit, but would like to be able to do some moderate excercise without becoming totally winded
• I want to feel sexy (sorry Mom......)

Some day I want to be able to look back at this list and check off these items and make new motivators. That's the great thing about this journey.....as I go along my goals will change....I have a feeling "I" will change. I'm hoping that I can push myself, believe in myself, and find strength that I didn't know I had.

But for now.......I'm super motivated and I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep it that way :)

Roll with the punches.......

I'm back on track...........My minor meltdown the other day has turned into something so positive.

Wednesday night I made WW Deep Dish Pizza Casserole and it was a hit!! Mister and I had leftovers last night. Mmmm good!!

Tonight we have Lil D so we are going to make these. I love me some good wings so I'm excited!

Saturday we are out of town but on Sunday this is on the menu.

Mister and I went shopping the other night and got all the ingrediants to make 9 meals. I am not one who likes to cook, but I can't wait to try new things! I'll pass along the likes/dislikes sometime next week.

Happy Friday!!

Weight Watchers Breakdown.....

So last night I had a minor breakdown....I was hungry, tired and stressed from work and my first initial reaction when I got home was to grab some junk food to "make it all better". I was home alone and I knew that nobody would ever know if I "cheated" on my WW. As soon as I opened the cupboard I started crying. I knew I didn't want to eat any junk food, I just wanted that instant gratification, that instant high, that instant stress reliever. As I've mentioned before...I'm an emotional eater! But I realized at that exact moment that eating some horrible fat-induced snack wasn't going to make me feel better........what would make me feel better was jumping on the scale and rewarding my accomplishments. So that's what I did...I jumped on the scale and was .4 lbs lighter then I was that morning! THAT was my instant gratification! Then I made myself a salad and all the world was right again!

I was thinking today on my drive to work about last night's minor meltdown and I realized that my problem with WW is that I'm getting bored with my food, since I tend to eat the same meals over and over again and I also tend to eat most of my meals separate from my fiance which I don't like at all. I like to make a meal and have us both enjoy it, but lately I just fend for myself and he does the same. I ordered a couple WW cookbooks that arrived in the mail on Monday but I haven't had time to go through them yet. So I decided once I got to work that I would search the internet......and that's when i came across this amazing blog. I couldn't believe all the recipes and the variety of meals that were on there.....all WW approved with the points already counted out. My boring life of salads and veggies is coming to an end....today! I printed off about 20 recipes and can't wait to go to the store to pick up my essential items I will need to make them. I'm even convinced that my fiance will eat these too...right alongside of me! Just like old times!

I'm so excited....I'm almost a little too giddy! Tell me these don't make your mouth water.....

Whole Wheat Pancakes

Macaroni Salad

Shrimp & Zuccini with Bowties

Baked Chicken Parmesan

Petite Meatloaves