Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I'm Disgusted

I'm disgusted....with myself!  I have really let myself go and I'm not happy about it.  But yet, I haven't been unhappy enough to motivate myself to make a change.  It's a twisted circle!

It wasn't until we bought and hung a huge mirror in our bedroom over the weekend that I really was able to see what I had done to myself.  I have known for weeks now that my clothes aren't fitting.  I have been having to pull out bigger sizes from the garage sale bags in the basement, but I couldn't see with my own eyes the damage the past few months have had on my body. 

Another slap in the face was yesterday at the doctor's office.  It was a checkup appointment following a procedure I had done 4 weeks ago and when I stepped on the scales my jaw almost hit the floor.  In just 4 weeks I had gained 8 lbs.

I spent the last 18-20 hours obsessing about my weight and my body image.  I went over and over my weight loss journey and thought about my lifestyle and my food choices during each phase.

In June 2009 when I started Weight Watchers I weighed 157 lbs.  By November 2009 I was down 30 lbs.  During this phase I was what you would call a "die hard".  I journaled every item I consumed and meticulously counted points.  I was so happy with myself and my image.  From February 2010 to about September 2010 I was maintaining at a healthy 132-134 lbs.  I could eat what I wanted as long as I kept my portions right and everything in moderation.  I did not journal and only tracked my points in my head.  I was happy at this weight and still loved the way my clothes fit and how my body looked.

From October-December 2010 I had a lot of personal things going on in my life and I pretty much gave up on myself and gave up on weight watchers.  My weight loss journey no longer played an important role.  Which leads me to today...I am a hot mess!  I am less than 10 lbs away from being back to my heaviest weight.  How did I let this happen?  Don't answer that because I know full well how this happened.

But, it is not important how I got here, it's what am I going to do now that I've arrived.  And what I'm going to do is this:

Set new goals...
  1. I have a bathing suit I bought on my honeymoon that I fully intend on wearing this summer
  2. I will journal my meals and track points
  3. I will "get physical"...even if it's just using my wii workouts until the weather gets nicer
  4. I will take healthy snacks/lunches to work and not rely on the vending machine to fulfill my needs
  5. I will plan our dinners so there is no need for a fast food run
This is all I have for now, but it is a start.  It is the beginning to my weight loss journey (Part 2).  Any tips and/or advice?


Anonymous said...

I have also gained recently and am so frustrated. I think sometimes life happens and we suddenly find ourselves not having the time or energy to care. I just joined WW at home plan and lost 8lbs in 4 weeks. I quit for two weeks and have gained 4lbs. I have no idea why I quit but I did.My best friend also has gained back recently and is right where she started 35lbs ago. I refuse to let that be me but it is so easy to do. So you aren't the only one jumping back on the weight loss bandwagon. I truly think all women need to put themselves and their bodies first in what we eat and find time to exercise but I'm the first one to neglect it. Good luck and I look forward to hopefully having some good results and you having some too.

KT said...

I gained most of my weight back aftermy honeymoon which was soooo frustrating. Like you, I had to take a take a step back, look at myself, and figure out how to change my body once again. It's a bit slower now that I don't have a wedding pushing me, but it is working. Drink a lot of water and get your butt to the gym!!

Kim @ Kim and Mikey said...

Amy, I know that you feel frustrated with yourself. However, you have to let those feelings go, realizing that what is done is done. The bad choices, the limited activity, those are in the past. Now, you must focus on the present - the exact moment you are leaving in. Make it your goal to make a healthy choice, then another, and then another. And remember, we are here to encourage you if you need it!