Negative Nancy

I know I've been MIA for a while now!  It's been hard to visit this place and even attempt to write anything, because all I seem to be feeling lately is negative.


I even went as far as making some New Years Resolutions to help with my attitude and I have failed miserably at those too.

1. Stop Complaining:  Even about the weather. 
   It's a bad habit that I got into last year and I'm not even sure why, but I can't seem to stop!  I have a great life and I'm thankful, but that doesn't stop me from complaining about...the good...the bad...the ugly....all of it!
2. Stop comparing my life/marriage to others:
   In order for me to be content in even the most mundane things, this is a must.  I want to re-learn how to embrace the blessings I have and stop taking everything for granted.
3. Take time for me:
   I have to take control of my own happiness.  Take time to do the things I enjoy.  Make more date nights with my amazing husband.  Spend some much needed time with girlfriends.  Be more intentional with my time.
4. Watch less TV:
   In order to accomplish #3 I really need to pull myself away from the boob-tube.  Unfortunately, when I have only a few hours a week to relax, this is my go-to.  I think in some way...by watching all of the drama on shows like Real Housewives, it makes me feel like my life isn't so bad after all.

Maybe after this horrific winter ends, I can come back and feel more rejuvenated and a little less grumpy.  Until then....I will probably continue to complain about all of this gosh darn snow (an inch per hour expected later today)....Ughhh

Catch Up

In addition to the many things in my life that are being neglected, this blog is one of them.  Between the dog and her physical therapy, massage, and chiropractor and my light therapy visits and long work hours, I barely have time to fit in the necessities...you know things like eating, sleeping, laundry.

I'm running on fumes lately and so, so tired.  Not just mentally exhausted, but physically tired.  I have caught myself dozing off at work, dozing on the couch as I eat my dinner, dozing off at the wheel.  It's becoming a major issue and I just can't find enough hours in the day to catch up on the many, many hours of sleep that I need.  It also doesn't help that most of the medications I am currently on cause drowsiness.  Add that to an already fatigued body and it's a means for disaster.

Now take the above and add in the busy, hectic holiday season that is approaching and it's enough to bring tears to my eyes.  I have our company Christmas party to plan, multiple holiday meals to attend (beginning with my first Thanksgiving celebration this weekend at the in-laws), Christmas shopping to get started.....and the list could go on and on.  I don't know how I'm going to physically still be standing by New Years.

Any suggestions on what I can do to get me through the next couple months?

FYI ~ I may sound like I'm complaining, but all it takes is one look at this face to know that all the craziness that we've endured the past 18 months with the surgeries, the specialists, the medications, the rehab....have all been worth it

Tid Bits

I've neglected this blog for a month and I feel horrible about it, but I just can't seem to find the time (or the energy) to do anything about it.  As it is, you are only going to get bullet points today!

Here's a recap of the past month....

• I still have my rash!  This Wednesday will be 16 weeks and I still don't have any answers.  I'm still seeing the specialist and they are still running tests, but at this time there is no prognosis.  I am on multiple medications to handle the itching and doing light therapy twice a week, but I wish they could diagnose me with something so that we could take care of this once and for all.  And more importantly, so we could figure out what is causing it.

• Lainey has started physical therapy so we drive 1-1/2 hours twice a week for her appointments.  Tomorrow will be her 8th session so we are halfway done. 
  They do laser therapy, muscle building and strength exercises, and water treadmill.
  She has made huge improvements and I am so thankful for the doctors we are seeing.
  
  Here is the water treadmill....she is waiting for the tank to fill up.

• We began to notice that Lainey was only limping and/or not using her bad leg while at home, but if we were out in public she would walk fine. She would be completely fine at my parents house, my sisters house, and a friends home, but would act all funny at home. We were advised by Lainey's physical therapist that it was most likely due to our hardwood floors at home.  She wasn't feeling confident enough with her leg and was too worried about slipping and sliding on the floors.  We just put them in 2 years ago, so there was no way that we were going to get rid of them (or cover them with a bunch of rugs).  So, our only choice was to buy huge pieces of remnant.  I hate how it looks, but she is a whole different dog since putting these down.

 

• It's officially college football season!!!  Yay!!  My husband and my dad got an early Christmas present....Go Blue!!!

• What little free time I've had has been spent doing a couple projects at home.  My stepson's bedroom had never been touched and was the last room in the whole house that was still that beige color that was on every wall when we moved in.  He is 17 and very rarely at our house anymore so I wanted to make it more "grown-up" so we could use it as a spare bedroom.  I love the way it turned out and even happier because he loves it to.  I ordered some wall décor that should arrive this week and then the room will be complete.

BEFORE ~ This is a picture from the day we moved in

AFTER ~ No more beige :)
We used the same grey from the Living Room/Dining Room and accented with Dark Blue
(we have also added curtains since this picture was taken)

I also decided to try a little DIY project and make my own curtains.  I've been looking for low cost ideas to change up our living space and when I started pricing new curtains I about lost my mind.  I even tried to find some on Etsy and still couldn't justify the prices.  Since I can't sew, I did a little search on google and Pinterest to find a "no-sew" method.  After watching a few videos and reading a couple blog posts, I decided to give it a whirl.

I went to JoAnn Fabrics and picked out these fabrics (great for our fall décor).  I also picked up some twin white sheets from Walmart to use as the lining.  Four curtain panels for just over $50...Can't beat it!

Chevron for the Living Room and the Polka Dots for the Dining Room

Here is the final result....I love them (and so does the hubby).  It is just that small change I needed.

• And to end this....here are some adorable pics of Lainey in her new Doggles.  She insists on having her head out the car window for the ENTIRE drive to physical rehab and I was so worried about debris getting in her eyes. Hopefully, she will get used to wearing these and then mama won't have to worry and stress so much.

Sorry for my absence...let's hope another month doesn't go by before I stop by here.  At the least, I can promise that things in my life should slow down about November and I hope to be back here more regularly.

Gluten Free.....No way, not me!

Tomorrow marks 8 weeks that I have had some sort of rash.  It is mostly on my lower back (upper buttocks), on my sides, around my chest, on my lower stomach, behind my ears and all over my scalp.  It is so itchy and drives me nuts.

I have been unable to see my family doctor as they are booked about 3 months out, so I have visited the urgent care 3 times and the emergency room once.  On all 4 visits I was diagnosed with contact dermatitis.  Meaning, I am coming into contact with something that I am having an allergic reaction to.

I've been prescribed mass amounts of prednisone, topical steroid cream and scalp wash....but, it continually keeps coming back.  We have gone through every item in our home (indoors and out) to see if there is something out of the ordinary that I have used and to this day we have thought of nothing.

Thankfully, I had an appointment with my regular physician yesterday for my annual and we were able to discuss my rash.  She made a phone call to a dermatology office and explained my situation and they were able to get me in yesterday afternoon.  Miracles do happen!!

A biopsy was taken off my lower back and will be sent out for testing and I also had some blood work drawn.  The specialist is thinking that I have Duhrings disease (aka dermatitis herpetaformis) and celiac disease.

Unfortunately, if this is the case, I will be on a strict gluten free diet and this will be a lifelong requirement (along with medication).  I've been wanting answers for weeks now as to what is causing all of this....but THIS is not the answer I would have hoped for.  I love food way too much to even "think" about having to go gluten free!

As much as I want this chronic itching to end.....I just never imagined this would be my answer.

Do any of you have to avoid gluten?  If so, what tips do you have.

Back to work blues

Today is the first day back in the office after 9 days away and to say the least...it is horrible!  I really need to find a way to find some happiness and fulfillment in this job or else I think I may have a breakdown.

Don't get me wrong, I must like it here since I've been with the company for 11 years....but I am far from being happy.  The problem is that I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that is making me so miserable.  The obvious reason is that my job responsibilities have increased ten-fold over the past 5 years or so, but yet I haven't had a raise in almost 7 years.  It is so frustrating.

I also don't appreciate the amount of "off the clock" work I do because the other managers are incompetent and most of our customers tend to call me when they need something because they know it will get done.  Regardless of the fact that the things they are calling me about have nothing to do with my position in the company.

I can bitch and complain all I want, but I guess until I can pinpoint all my issues and then confront the necessary people, nothing will change.

There will be some big decisions being made in the near future!  Wish me luck...

Empty

This pretty much sums up my life right now.........and NO, I was not at the gas station when I took this picture.....Ugh!

Please disregard the dust.....Cleaning out my car
is about the 200th item on my list of things to do

Catch up

To say I've been busy is an understatement!  Funny how life can go from simple, effortless and quiet to complex, complicated and distracted overnight.

There is so much going on both at work and at home that there are days I can barely keep my head above water.

In a nutshell, here is what has been keeping me busy....

My stepdaughter graduated high school last Friday.  It was surreal to see her in her cap and gown.  My husband shed a few tears, but he won't admit it.  I think in my mind she will always be this awkward pre-teen.  So to see her enter this next phase of her life was mind blowing to say the least.

We are having her graduation party at our house on June 15th.  I've been working my tail off trying to get the backyard ready for such a shindig.  Short of still not having grass, it is starting to come around.

One of my favorite projects has been taking our plastic outdoor furniture and spray painting it fun colors.

As I mentioned, we have no grass in our backyard.  Well, I shouldn't say "no grass", but it is spotty.  This was going to be the year we put money into this project, but due to the expenses with the dog, it is going to have to wait another year.  This has been an issue since we bought the house.  Last year we put down stone and it made a big difference.  But, there was still a large area next to the house that was a disaster.  We haven't put much effort into this area because our end goal is to build a deck.

Spur of the moment I decided to tackle this area and it's amazing what a little topsoil and some colored pots will do.

(notice how the grass is "spotty")

These pots are currently full of flowers and the difference is amazing.  We are no longer looking at DIRT!

There is still SO MUCH more going on, but as I suspected, this post has to be cut short because I am needed by a million different people all at the same time....Ughhhh!

Is it Friday yet?

PS ~ I do not have time to proof read this...so I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors!

Bullets

Every day I have this fabulous post in mind....and I just can't seem to find the time to do anything with it!

So today....you are getting bullet points.  It's all I've got the brain capacity for.

• Lainey landed herself at the emergency vet on Saturday evening.  The incision from her most recent surgery was very infected and needed treatment ASAP.  The specialist office who is handling her surgeries is over 2 hours away, so we opted for a 45 min drive to the nearest emergency vet instead.  She is doing much better now and will go on Monday to the specialist for a check-up and to hopefully have her sutures removed.

• Due to the above....Lainey is going crazy!  She has been on bed rest since May 1st and the amount of pent up energy she has is driving us all a little nuts.  We try to stimulate her mentally, but it seems to only work for a short period of time.  It is killing her to not be able to take walks or run zoomies around the yard.

• My birthday is Saturday and I will be spending the day with family celebrating my nephew turning 4.  I don't feel like celebrating my birthday this year as I realized yesterday how fast I am approaching the big 4-0!  It's hard for me to imagine that I will be 37 in a few days, because in my mind I was in my mid-late 20's only yesterday.

• The mosquitos are HORRIBLE this year.  The other night I tried to apply some weed killer in the backyard and was eaten alive.  Last night I tried to mow the lawn and had to cover my entire body.  It was almost 80 degrees out and I was wearing long pants and a hooded sweatshirt tied tight around my chin.  It is absolutely ridiculous!

• My step-daughter graduates highschool this year and we are hosting our own graduation party for her at our house (there is some bad blood between her mother and my husband so separate parties were a must).  I'm so worried about the mosquito issue since we plan to have everyone outdoors.  Any advice would be much appreciated.

• I have 3 girlfriends who are (were) pregnant and 2 of them recently had their babies. I'm dying to meet these adorable babes, but unfortunately, they both live about 1 1/2 - 2 hours away from me.  Hopefully, in the next couple weeks I will be able to make a trip down for the day and love on these little ones.

That's all I have time for.....Happy Thursday!

Full Plate

I must apologize for my temporary leave of absence. Life has gotten the best of me lately.

For starters....Lainey had to go in last week for another (emergency) surgery.  She is currently on bed rest again and we will go on Monday to get the sutures removed.

After she had her 2nd ACL surgery on her left leg, we noticed a bump on her leg (see pic below).  Come to find out, the crimper plate was actually protruding out of her leg.  The surgeon knew at some point it would need to be removed, but she wanted us to try and get past 16 weeks of recovery before opening that leg back up again.

We made it 12 weeks, but could not put it off any longer.  She had started limping again, she refused to lay or put any pressure on the leg, and her recovery was declining instead of improving.

I'm praying that this saga is now over and after her sutures come out, we will never have any more issues!

In addition to Lainey's surgery, I also had a 2 day audit at work and I needed to prep about 2 weeks leading up to it.  Thankfully, this only happens once a year...and now it's over and I won't need to stress about it until next year.

I need a vacation!  I want sand between my toes and a drink with an umbrella...anyone with me?

2 Years

Two years ago today, my life was forever changed. I lost my brother...but the world also lost a father, a son, an uncle, a brother-in-law, and a boyfriend. I miss you like crazy but know that you are looking down on all of us from Heaven. You are forever in our hearts.....

Does this mean War?

Our household is in shambles....and is crumbling more and more every day!  The overall dynamic has been off for quite some time and I think every one (and every pet) is at it's breaking point.

If only I could go back 9 months and do things differently.....

It all started back in September when Lainey had her first ACL surgery.  We had to keep the dogs separated and Lainey was caged or leashed at all times.  We would have random "play" with both dogs together, but it was quiet play and not the "run around the house playing catch me" kind that they really like.  Stewie was often times corrected for trying to "rough house" with Lainey, so most of the time they just cuddled and Stewie would give her comfort.

Lainey (left) & Stewie (right)

Then came November and the nightmare I will never forget.  After the loss of Walker, sadness seemed to overcome each of us (humans and animals).  It was a very dark time for us and you could really feel the dynamics between all the animals start to shift.  Tucker, our other cat, was mourning the loss of his brother and would take it out on the dogs.  The dogs could tell that mommy and daddy were sad and would feed off our energy.  I don't think I realized how bad things were getting.

Walker ~ RIP & Tucker

December rolled around and we decided to adopt Dasher.  We thought that Tucker would appreciate having a play mate and after hearing his story from the shelter, we had to bring him home.  It took about a month for him to settle in, but now he is the happiest cat I've ever seen.  He is so loving and isn't at all afraid of the dogs.  Unfortunately, between still taking care of Lainey and now giving a lot of attention to the new member of the family...Stewie once again was getting the short end of the stick.

Dasher

In January, Lainey tore her other ACL and needed surgery on both legs.  For the couple weeks leading up to her surgery we finally let the dogs get in some good old fashion play time together.  I mean, what was the worst thing that could happen...Lainey was already going in for surgery, so we thought it would be good for them.  They absolutely loved this time together.  They were both so happy.

Then....everything changed!!! 

After surgery, Lainey spent 2+ weeks at the hospital.  During the time that Lainey was gone, Stewie received the most attention he has gotten in a long time.  We had so much more free time on our hands now that we didn't have to spend it on Lainey and her recovery.  Everyone in the house was happy!!!  Unfortunately, Lainey was stuck in a hospital, around strangers with her mama no where to be seen.  I would visit her on the weekends and she was so sad.  She had become a totally different dog and the vet explained it was most likely due to the meds, her pain level, etc.  For such a young pup, she had gone through so much in life, so they told me not to worry. 

The first night we brought Lainey home from the hospital, there was an exchange between the dogs that we had never seen before.  They both growled, got loud and it made me nervous.  I called the vet the next day and they said this was normal for our circumstances.  We were told to keep the dogs separated for a few days and let Lainey start her recovery stress-free.  We did as instructed and Lainey spent her days in a cage in my office at work and her nights in her pen in a room that is gated off from the rest of the house.  The dogs could "see" each other, but they couldn't get near each other.

Those first couple weeks passed without incident so we began slowly introducing the dogs into the same space.  It was a success!  They spent the next couple weeks loving each other and playing (as much as Lainey can play right now).

Unfortunately, this is where the story gets ugly.....

Sunday night I was home alone.  I had fed the dogs, walked Lainey and was doing a training session in the living room with both dogs.  As I always do, I had them both sit on the rug (one on my left side and the other on my right side).  I give each dog a command and then reward with a treat. After treating Stewie, I give Lainey a command and then treat her.  Then go back to Stewie and repeat the process.  After about the 4th-5th command, I gave Lainey a treat.  Unfortunately, I missed her mouth and the treat dropped on the floor.  As Lainey bent her head down to pick it up....Stewie attacked her.  He locked onto her neck and wouldn't let go.  Lainey was thrashing her neck around, but Stewie was not letting go.  I immediately stepped in and got Stewie to release.  The dogs were then separated, but Stewie was still "revved up" and he latched onto my arm.  I screamed, and before I knew it, Lainey was attacking him.  I know she was just trying to protect me, but it got ugly....fast!  Stewie ended up with a cut on each ear and a small cut on the top of his head.

You would think that this was the end of the story, but unfortunately, it is not!  Later that same night, Stewie attacked one of the cats.  He grabbed onto it's neck and would not let go.  Once again, thank goodness I was "right there" when it happened, so I was able to release him from the cat pretty quickly.

Since this incident, we have spoken to the vet and Stewie has been checked over. The vet thinks that not only are we dealing with some aggression issues, but we also have some OCD issues with the dog too. He prescribed clomipramine which treats canine obsessive-compulsive disorders, anxiety produced by phobias, and aggression. We are going to try the medication for a month and see if there is any improvement and then move on to some behavior modification training techniques. This medication should allow Stewie to learn new desirable behaviors that replace any undesirable behaviors, while calming his fears enough to make the learning process easier for him.
There has been a lot of change in our household over the past 6 months with Lainey's surgery ('s), the loss of one cat, the addition of another cat, etc.  Stewie's anxiety has increased significantly due to all of these changes, along with all of the emotions that we (humans) are feeling due to all of these issues and he may be feeding off of us, leading to an extreme level of anxiety, fear, etc.

We will continue to keep the animals separate for a couple more weeks and assess the situation at that time and see how he is reacting to the new meds.

I'm so afraid that the dogs will never be "best buds" again.  That they will have to be separated at all times and never left unsupervised.  This will be my worst nightmare.  I wish someone could tell me that this happens and that things will get better!  I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with aggression/fear in a dog, but I feel that way.  How did they go from being best friends to worst enemies?  I am stressed and my heart is breaking.  If I could go back to last year I would have never taken Lainey hiking that day that she tore her ACL.  It seems like everything has snowballed since that day.  If she wouldn't have torn her ACL she wouldn't have needed surgery...which means we would have never had the Rimadyl in the house...which means the cat would have never ate it...which means the cat would have never died...which means we would have never gotten another cat...which means that Lainey's "good" leg would have never taken on all the stress causing another ACL tear...which would have meant no hospital stay...etc!!! 

No Regrets

I am one of the few women who never wanted children.  I adore my nephews, but even as a young adult I had no intentions of having any of my own. 

But then I met a handsome fella and we got married, bought a house and joined our 'families'.  He had 2 children already (who were teenagers when we met), but I started to want my own. 

Due to the fact that my husband is a paraplegic and I had had cervical cancer, we decided to see a specialist to discuss our options.  Soon after that appointment, the so-called "urge" was gone, so we decided not to move forward.  I enjoy our life and for many reasons I don't care to discuss here, we cancelled all future doctor appointments and have never really discussed the topic since.

But, every year around Christmas I get a little depressed.  I tend to think of all the things I won't be doing this year.  I won't attend any Christmas programs at school, I won't make anything awesome from Pinterest for my child's teacher, I won't be able to play Santa, and most of all, I can't pass along the Christmas family traditions that I grew up knowing and loving.

I've learned that the best way to cure this feeling is for me to spend some extra special time with all the little ones around me.  I've got a special date with one of my nephews tonight and I can't wait!

I don't regret the decision my husband and I made, but that doesn't mean I can't dream every now and again of what it would be like to some day be called "mommy"!

A.K.A. Debbie Downer

I really hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I feel like I'm overwhelmed with every aspect of my life right now.

I am freshly coming off a 9 day vacation and I don't feel any better today than I did 2 weeks ago.  Is that normal?  Don't most people come back from vacation feeling refreshed and ready to face the world?

I don't feel like thinking long enough to write in paragraphs so you are getting bullet points!

• I'm tired!!!  No matter how much sleep I get....I am still tired!  And not necessarily tired like I need to take a nap, but more like I need to sit down and just relax
• My job sucks!!!  Yes, I am thankful to have a job....but that doesn't mean I can't hate every minute of every day that I am there.  I am over used and under paid and it's taking a toll on me.
• I'm sad!!!  The loss of Walker is still affecting me.  And watching Tucker mope around the house doesn't help!  I wonder if I will ever get rid of the guilt I feel over the whole pill incident.
• I'm broke!!!  Between all of the money we have spent on Lainey and her chiropractor appointments, her acupuncture, the surgery, the trips to the emergency vet, her medications, daycare fees, etc...and then the emergency vet appointments with both cats, the cremation fees, etc...we have spent a huge chunk of money the past 4 months.  It is money that we had (in savings), but nonetheless, it makes me stressed to think about not having that "comfort" just in case we need it.  I can probably bet on the fact that this will probably be the year our furnace will go out...just our luck!
• Christmas!!!  My entire life Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year.  It is a time spent with family and friends, everyone is happy, and Christmas music makes my heart skip a beat!  This year it feels different.  This year it is so stressful.  The holiday is losing it's meaning (not to me, but to others close to me).  I am actually thinking of boycotting and spending Christmas with only my husband. 

I just realized that this list could go on forever and I like you too much to put you through that kind of torture so I will end now!

Actually, here are a couple "happy" pictures from my vacation....that way the blog-o-sphere won't consider me a total Debbie Downer.

Walker is "HOME"!!

Last night I picked up Walker's ashes.  It was such mixed emotions...I cried and cried the whole way home, but once I got him inside, I felt like he was "home" again and a sense of calm came over me.

The second I walked through the door Tucker was all over me.  I finally took out the urn and sat it on the counter and Tucker was rubbing all over it.  My heart literally broke into a million pieces.

I'm not sure how to explain Tucker's reaction to the urn, but it continued all night long.  No matter where I put the urn, Tucker would find it and meow like crazy.  I would take it out of the bag it came in and he would rub all over it.

I ended up having to put it in one of our closets because Tucker just would not leave it alone and it broke my heart to watch his reaction.

This worries me because I ordered a ceramic black cat urn to transfer the ashes to, but I am concerned that Tucker will knock it over and break it.  I will have to see what happens.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't be writing this post...unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world! On the other hand, if the circumstances must be....I at least feel like I have some peace now that Walker is HOME with us again.

Welcome back buddy....Mommy loves you and misses you every day!!!

R.I.P Walker

I can't even begin to describe the pain in my heart! 

We lost one of our family members Friday...

R.I.P Walker

I will never forgive myself for letting him eat one of those pills, which ultimately was the beginning of the end for him. He was suffering from kidney failure and I know I did the right thing by putting him to sleep, but it doesn't make the pain hurt any less. I don't know if I will ever love another 4-legged animal the way I loved him. There was definitely a special bond between Walker and mama and I will hold onto those memories forever. 

Not the best picture of me....but this is the last photo I took of Walker. 
This is a great example of how loving he was.  He would sleep every night with his arms wrapped around my neck...I sure do miss that!  {tear}

R.I.P Walker...you will forever be in our heart!

It's getting HOT in here!

Between my commute to and from work, along with my workday, I am gone from home about 11 hours each day.  Pile on top of that, having to water the lawn every night and tend to the flowers, make dinner and spend approximately 5 seconds with my husband, and I'm pretty well exhausted when it comes time for bed.

My nightly routine is all out of whack and I blame it on the weather!  If it wasn't so hot I could walk the dogs, go to the park or take a bike ride.  But the last thing I want to do after a long, hot day, is be outside in the sweltering heat any longer than is absolute necessary.

Are any of you feeling worn down due to the hot temps?  I am totally blaming my laziness on it!

Anniversary #2

Tuesday, July 10 was my 2nd wedding anniversary.  I was more than happy to celebrate, seeing that our 2nd year of being married, was so much better than our first. We are truly falling into our husband/wife roles and life is so good!

I did a lot of reminiscing about our wedding day....and 2 years later I still smile ear to ear with the memories of the love I felt that day.  I can honestly say that my wedding day was one of the BEST days of my life so far.

I can remember being on cloud nine...all day....all night!  I've never smiled so hard in one day in all of my life.  I couldn't help it!  Love oozed out of every corner of that tent and I never expected to feel that.

I'm so glad everybody came...I'm so glad my DIY projects were a success...I'm so glad we composed our own ceremony...I'm so glad we didn't elope...But, most of all, I'm so glad ALL of my siblings were able to surround me with their love and support.

There are 2 sisters missing from this photo
(note:  I lost my brother Chris last year...he's the tall one on the left...so I will always cherish my wedding
as being the last "family" event for us all to celebrate together as ONE)

The night was spent laughing, catching up with old friends, screaming with joy, cheering and dancing.  I felt gorgeous and was making a life-altering promise to the man I love and nothing else mattered.

And....did I mention dancing?  Oh boy, did we ever dance!

I will always cherish these memories and I look forward to reminiscing about our wedding day for many, many more years to come!

Cancer Sucks

Cancer is a horrible, horrible thing!  Eight years ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and it was the first time in my life that I can remember feeling that scared.  Thank goodness it was in the first stages and could be removed through surgery. 

Six years ago I lost the most brilliant man I have ever known to cancer....my grandfather.  The pain of watching his health deteriorate is something I wish I could erase from memory.  It is so emotional to watch someone go through these physical changes.  And even more horrendous to watch them die slowly.

Yesterday we lost another family member to cancer.  He made it more than 4 years when doctors only gave him 2-3, but that is 4 years he lived with this hopeless prognosis. And so much like my maternal grandfather, he slowly deteriorated while his body had a hard time maintaining itself.

My heart aches for my dad.  It was a year ago on April 4 that he had to bury his son, and now he has to bury his father.  I would like to shake my fist up to the heavens and say "enough is enough", but I'm smart enough to know that God has a plan. 

Rest in Peace Richard!

Richard Shaw

In a Rut

I've been in a rut the past couple weeks (and maybe longer).  I'm just not HAPPY and feel like I very rarely smile anymore.   

I am missing my family and feeling very distant from my girl friends, which leaves me feeling very lonely. 

I've been at the same job for 9 years and it is starting to feel like the same thing EVERY day.  I am growing tired of my co-workers and I haven't had a raise in years (even though my job duties have grown immensely).  I'm just plain sick and tired of this environment.

I'm overweight (again) and can't seem to get it under control.  I have no clothes that fit me and tend to survive most evenings and weekends in sweatpants.  And nobody, I mean nobody, feels good about their appearance when they are in sweatpants.

I've got so many projects at home that need done, but I can't find the energy to pull myself off the couch on most days.  I do my general house cleaning on Saturday mornings and the rest of the weekend is spent doing nothing productive.

I feel so bad for my dear husband.  He tries his best, but it's hard.  How do you make someone happy when they don't really want to be?  I mean, it's not that I don't want to be happy, but I just don't know what needs to be done to get me there.

I'm hoping this is just a phase!  Maybe when the weather gets nicer I will snap out of it.

Rest in Peace

Christopher Lee Shaw

May 21, 1977 ~ April 4, 2011