I'm Disgusted

I'm disgusted....with myself!  I have really let myself go and I'm not happy about it.  But yet, I haven't been unhappy enough to motivate myself to make a change.  It's a twisted circle!

It wasn't until we bought and hung a huge mirror in our bedroom over the weekend that I really was able to see what I had done to myself.  I have known for weeks now that my clothes aren't fitting.  I have been having to pull out bigger sizes from the garage sale bags in the basement, but I couldn't see with my own eyes the damage the past few months have had on my body. 

Another slap in the face was yesterday at the doctor's office.  It was a checkup appointment following a procedure I had done 4 weeks ago and when I stepped on the scales my jaw almost hit the floor.  In just 4 weeks I had gained 8 lbs.

I spent the last 18-20 hours obsessing about my weight and my body image.  I went over and over my weight loss journey and thought about my lifestyle and my food choices during each phase.

In June 2009 when I started Weight Watchers I weighed 157 lbs.  By November 2009 I was down 30 lbs.  During this phase I was what you would call a "die hard".  I journaled every item I consumed and meticulously counted points.  I was so happy with myself and my image.  From February 2010 to about September 2010 I was maintaining at a healthy 132-134 lbs.  I could eat what I wanted as long as I kept my portions right and everything in moderation.  I did not journal and only tracked my points in my head.  I was happy at this weight and still loved the way my clothes fit and how my body looked.

From October-December 2010 I had a lot of personal things going on in my life and I pretty much gave up on myself and gave up on weight watchers.  My weight loss journey no longer played an important role.  Which leads me to today...I am a hot mess!  I am less than 10 lbs away from being back to my heaviest weight.  How did I let this happen?  Don't answer that because I know full well how this happened.

But, it is not important how I got here, it's what am I going to do now that I've arrived.  And what I'm going to do is this:

Set new goals...

1. I have a bathing suit I bought on my honeymoon that I fully intend on wearing this summer
2. I will journal my meals and track points
3. I will "get physical"...even if it's just using my wii workouts until the weather gets nicer
4. I will take healthy snacks/lunches to work and not rely on the vending machine to fulfill my needs
5. I will plan our dinners so there is no need for a fast food run

This is all I have for now, but it is a start.  It is the beginning to my weight loss journey (Part 2).  Any tips and/or advice?

My Life...In Quotes





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Staying on Plan

Over the past 3 weeks that I have been on Weight Watchers, I've been doing a lot of online reading....The WW website has been helpful. I love to read the community posts for topics such as fitness, health, recipe/snack suggestions, how to handle special occassions, restaurant advice and general topics for newbies, like myself.

But, the one thing that always seem to pop up in these posts, is that even after making healthy food choices and staying active that people are gaining weight instead of losing. They become frustrated and tend to lose all motivation instead of congratulating themselves for their hard work and keeping positive about the weeks to come.

I know this is easy for me to say now, because I have been lucky enough to "lose" weight each week, but I know my day is coming when I step on that scale and it shows a gain. I can only hope that I will be able to stay on plan, eat healthy foods and keep my chin up. I understand that no one starts super motivated and stays super motivated every day for the rest of their life. That's not realistic. It seems totally normal to lose motivation or see your motivation slipping during your journey. That doesn't mean that I have failed, I'm just temporarily distracted and need to get re-motivated.

If, and when, I get to the point where I am losing motivation, I would like to look back at my original reasons for changing my life. As of now, my motivators are:

• I want to fit into my clothes again
• I want to look beautiful and healthy on my wedding day
• I want to be able to look at pictures of myself
• I want my self-esteem back
• I want to be comfortable and not so self conscious all of the time
• I want to be healthy
• I want to become fit...and not like "run a marathon" type of fit, but would like to be able to do some moderate excercise without becoming totally winded
• I want to feel sexy (sorry Mom......)

Some day I want to be able to look back at this list and check off these items and make new motivators. That's the great thing about this journey.....as I go along my goals will change....I have a feeling "I" will change. I'm hoping that I can push myself, believe in myself, and find strength that I didn't know I had.

But for now.......I'm super motivated and I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep it that way :)