Thursday, April 26, 2012

One Lovely Blog Award

I received the One Lovely Blog Award from this fantastic lady!  Although, as sucky as my blog has been lately, I don't think I deserve it! 

Thanks Non Sequitur Chica!!

Share who gave you this award with a link back to their blog
Write down 7 random facts about yourself.
Give this award to 15 other bloggers.
Let them know they have won.
Pop the award on your blog.

7 Random Facts

1.  I have never been clinically diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I have some level of OCD.  And to be honest, my obsessions are mostly to do with housecleaning or keeping things in an "orderly" fashion.  There was a time when I actually drove back home during my commute to work, because as I was leaving that morning I had noticed that the cats had messed up my bed skirt and I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I knew that I would never be able to concentrate on anything else during my 8 hour work day if I didn't fix it NOW. (editors note:  my obsessive compulsive behavior has greatly improved since marrying my husband and moving in together, but there are still days that it flares up and I get all crazy)

2.  I visit the Animal Rescue Site daily and click to give free food & care for rescued animals.

3.  The first concert I ever attended was Milli Vanilli.  My older sister took me and at the time I can remember thinking it was the coolest thing I had ever done.  To this day I still know every word to "Blame it on the Rain".

4.  I absolutely, positively cannot write in cursive.  My signature is the only thing legible when written in cursive.  On the flip side, my printing is so good that I have people request my handwriting when forms need submitted from other departments within our company.

5.  I have a silly obsession with turtlenecks.  As soon as the weather changes about mid September I am in a turtleneck EVERY DAY until about May.  And even in the summer months I have numerous sleeveless turtlenecks to fulfill my need.

6.  I have 3 tattoos and am currently planning for my 4th.  All of them are completely hidden and can only be seen if I want them to be.

7.  I can only sleep while wearing an eye mask.  If the room is not totally and completely dark I toss and turn.  And since my husband has to sleep with the TV on, I quickly learned that wearing an eye mask at night is my only solution to a full nights rest.

I know the second part of this is to pass this award on to 15 other bloggers, but I am going to pass.  I haven't had any time recently to follow along with that many blogs and the few that I do follow religiously have already received this from someone else.  I guess you could call me a rule-breaker!!!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Cancer Sucks

Cancer is a horrible, horrible thing!  Eight years ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and it was the first time in my life that I can remember feeling that scared.  Thank goodness it was in the first stages and could be removed through surgery. 

Six years ago I lost the most brilliant man I have ever known to grandfather.  The pain of watching his health deteriorate is something I wish I could erase from memory.  It is so emotional to watch someone go through these physical changes.  And even more horrendous to watch them die slowly.

Yesterday we lost another family member to cancer.  He made it more than 4 years when doctors only gave him 2-3, but that is 4 years he lived with this hopeless prognosis. And so much like my maternal grandfather, he slowly deteriorated while his body had a hard time maintaining itself.

My heart aches for my dad.  It was a year ago on April 4 that he had to bury his son, and now he has to bury his father.  I would like to shake my fist up to the heavens and say "enough is enough", but I'm smart enough to know that God has a plan. 

Rest in Peace Richard!

Richard Shaw

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

In a Rut

I've been in a rut the past couple weeks (and maybe longer).  I'm just not HAPPY and feel like I very rarely smile anymore.   

I am missing my family and feeling very distant from my girl friends, which leaves me feeling very lonely. 

I've been at the same job for 9 years and it is starting to feel like the same thing EVERY day.  I am growing tired of my co-workers and I haven't had a raise in years (even though my job duties have grown immensely).  I'm just plain sick and tired of this environment.

I'm overweight (again) and can't seem to get it under control.  I have no clothes that fit me and tend to survive most evenings and weekends in sweatpants.  And nobody, I mean nobody, feels good about their appearance when they are in sweatpants.

I've got so many projects at home that need done, but I can't find the energy to pull myself off the couch on most days.  I do my general house cleaning on Saturday mornings and the rest of the weekend is spent doing nothing productive.

I feel so bad for my dear husband.  He tries his best, but it's hard.  How do you make someone happy when they don't really want to be?  I mean, it's not that I don't want to be happy, but I just don't know what needs to be done to get me there.

I'm hoping this is just a phase!  Maybe when the weather gets nicer I will snap out of it.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Rest in Peace

Christopher Lee Shaw

May 21, 1977 ~ April 4, 2011

Monday, April 2, 2012

One Year

This Wednesday, April 4, will be the one year anniversary of my brother passing away.  One year......I just can't believe that I have only carried this pain in my heart for one year! 

I remember the day so vividly.  Every single detail starting with the first phone call I received.  There are times when my eyes are closed, that I can actually smell the scent of the hospital chapel. 

I cannot forget the look in my parents eyes and the all encompassing need to hug them and not let go.  Feeling the weight of my youngest brother as he nearly collapses in my arms, shaking with tears.  Yearning to be near my older sister to feel her strength.

One year....

My heart still feels the pain, but my soul is rebuilding.

Christopher L. Shaw
May 21, 1977 - April 4, 2011