Friday, January 6, 2012

Grief

It's been 8 months since my brother passed away and I can honestly say that my heart aches more today than it did on that horrible Monday in April.

I think about him ALL.THE.TIME!!!  And on days when my heart just can't take any more....I cry!  In the past couple weeks I have cried at Target, in the car driving, on the couch watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, at my desk, in the shower, walking the dog.  I feel like I am constantly trying to hide my feelings and wipe my tears before anyone sees them and it is killing me.  All I really want is one good, loud, snot-dripping cry without being afraid of someone asking me what is wrong.  I don't like to explain my tears.  I feel like as long as I don't say the words out loud than it can't possibly be true.  Obviously, I'm not crazy and know that reality is what it is, but I really hate saying it out loud.

I'm hurting and don't know how to make it better.  I don't even necessarily want it to go away, because I want my heart to always remember....but, I can't go on like this.  I'm starting to think my grief is affecting more of my life than I would like to admit. 

I'm even so desperate that every night before I go to bed, I pray to my brother to please visit me in my dreams.  I just want to hear his voice, to know that he is okay.  But, every morning I wake up and he never came!  Which then, starts this crazy mind of mine on a whole other roller coaster with a whole other set of questions.

I'm not even going to re-read this post before hitting publish....I already know I sound like a crazy person and I'm okay with that.

I miss you!!!

1 comment:

KT said...

I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time- maybe you should talk to a professional about what you are going through? Or maybe it is the fact that you feel like you need to hide the crying that is not helping- maybe unloading on your husband, parents, or a friend would help???