I think about him ALL.THE.TIME!!! And on days when my heart just can't take any more....I cry! In the past couple weeks I have cried at Target, in the car driving, on the couch watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, at my desk, in the shower, walking the dog. I feel like I am constantly trying to hide my feelings and wipe my tears before anyone sees them and it is killing me. All I really want is one good, loud, snot-dripping cry without being afraid of someone asking me what is wrong. I don't like to explain my tears. I feel like as long as I don't say the words out loud than it can't possibly be true. Obviously, I'm not crazy and know that reality is what it is, but I really hate saying it out loud.
I'm hurting and don't know how to make it better. I don't even necessarily want it to go away, because I want my heart to always remember....but, I can't go on like this. I'm starting to think my grief is affecting more of my life than I would like to admit.
I'm even so desperate that every night before I go to bed, I pray to my brother to please visit me in my dreams. I just want to hear his voice, to know that he is okay. But, every morning I wake up and he never came! Which then, starts this crazy mind of mine on a whole other roller coaster with a whole other set of questions.
I'm not even going to re-read this post before hitting publish....I already know I sound like a crazy person and I'm okay with that.
|I miss you!!!|