Losing my brother just feels like life is out of order. He was too young to die....a child should not die before a parent. It simply IS NOT FAIR!
The most difficult part of the loss is that we still don't know the "cause of death". Waiting on autopsy results is excruciatingly painful. In order to move on with my life I need to understand what really happened. Could the death been prevented? Was it an accident? Was it caused on purpose? I am in desperate need to know the answers to these questions.
There is also the GUILT....I have often felt that I should have been the one to die instead of my brother. He had overcome so many obstacles in his life and was just starting to "live". There is also the guilt that comes from "if I would have just made more time to see him". Life gets busy and sometimes it seems like such an inconvenience to plan get-togethers. And most nights I was too tired from a long day at work to pick up the phone and call. I hadn't seen my brother in months before he passed away and I have not forgiven myself.
It was so hard watching my parents experience the grief of losing a child. We've all tried to move on and in doing so, we have stopped talking about it. For me it feels like I am living a dual life...one living in total grief and one totally ignoring it. It's exhausting and difficult to keep up.
|My brother, Chris, and I on my wedding day last July|