Still finding it hard to cope....

Next Thursday marks 4 months since my brothers death and I'm still finding it hard to cope.  It is difficult to lose anyone you love, but losing a sibling is traumatic and devastating to the whole family.

Losing my brother just feels like life is out of order.  He was too young to die....a child should not die before a parent.  It simply IS NOT FAIR!

The most difficult part of the loss is that we still don't know the "cause of death".  Waiting on autopsy results is excruciatingly painful.  In order to move on with my life I need to understand what really happened.  Could the death been prevented?  Was it an accident?  Was it caused on purpose?  I am in desperate need to know the answers to these questions.

There is also the GUILT....I have often felt that I should have been the one to die instead of my brother.  He had overcome so many obstacles in his life and was just starting to "live".  There is also the guilt that comes from "if I would have just made more time to see him".  Life gets busy and sometimes it seems like such an inconvenience to plan get-togethers.  And most nights I was too tired from a long day at work to pick up the phone and call.  I hadn't seen my brother in months before he passed away and I have not forgiven myself.

It was so hard watching my parents experience the grief of losing a child.  We've all tried to move on and in doing so, we have stopped talking about it.  For me it feels like I am living a dual life...one living in total grief and one totally ignoring it.  It's exhausting and difficult to keep up. 

My brother, Chris, and I on my wedding day last July

It Feels like a Sucker Punch to the Gut

I've read two books the past couple weeks and they have both tugged at my heart strings.

The first was A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard.  

I was moved and inspired by the raw power of her voice and most of all her strength.  It is not an easy read and you find yourself not wanting to put it down, but wishing the entire time that it wasn't a true story.  Jaycee Dugard was kidnapped on the way to school at age 11 and she recounts everything until she was rescued 18 years later (only 2 years ago in 2009).  These memories will rip you to the core. (have kleenex ready)  I'm in awe that someone could live through such dreadful events and yet still believe in happy endings.  Dugard is an inspiration!

The second book was What we Have by Amy Boesky

This was another "tear at your heartstrings" type of book.  Amy does not have one single female relative who has lived past her mid-forties.  They all died of ovarian cancer.  Amy and her sisters know what this means for them:  they need to fall in love, get married and pop out babies before the age of 35 when they will get complete hysterectomies.  Her (and her family's) story is all about love, loss and survival.  It was even more heart wrenching for me to read because Amy and her family are from Detroit, Michigan and I, too, am a Michigander.  As I was reading the book I really felt like I knew Amy.  Almost like I was experiencing everything right along with her.   This was a story about grief, tragedy and heartache...but you will continue turning the pages.  Beautifully written and inspiring!

But now that I've read two, back-to-back, heart wrenching - sucker punch to the gut - type of books, I need something more uplifting.  Anybody read any good books lately?  I'm not picky about the subject matter or even if it is fictional/non-fictional.  I just know I can't spend another few days engrossed in a book with a box of kleenex at my side.  My husband won't let me...

Life is short...

Our family had a pretty big scare a couple weeks ago.  My sister-in-law, 28 years of age and mother of a 2-year old, went in for surgery and they found a lot of cancer once they had her cut open.  It is a very rare kind that won't react to radiation or chemo.  The doctor told us that had they not found it, she wouldn't have lived another 6 months.  They had to remove her entire bile duct and stretch her small intestine in it's place.  They removed half of her liver and a third of her pancreas. 

Her scheduled surgery should have only been about 2-2 1/2 hours long and they ended up being in there for almost 8 hrs.  As family members sitting in the surgical waiting room you can imagine how anxious everyone was.  And for myself and my husband, "not" being in the waiting room seemed even more difficult.  We all knew it wasn't going to be good news when the doctor came out, but we were not prepared for the news we were told.

She was in the hospital for 11 days while she fought infection, controlled her pain, and got her liver enzymes under control.  As of this weekend though, she is finally home and recovering, with her husband and son being her biggest cheerleaders.

Needless to say....it was scary (and still is).  But, being reminded that LIFE IS SHORT does a mind good sometimes.  We are all trying our best to make the most out of each and every day, knowing that it could be our last.

Making a house a HOME!

I was looking through some old pictures of our house today and I was amazed at the changes that have taken place in the 2.5 years that we have lived there.  It made me very emotional thinking about all the ways in which we have made our house a "home".

Here are some before/after/current pictures of some of the changes we have made. (editors note:  I apologize for some of the picture quality...some of these came from my phone camera)

Living Room:



Living Room (before)

Living Room (before)

Living Room (just after moving in)

 

Living Room (just after moving in)

 

Living Room (after 1 year)
Painted the walls, swapped some furniture from the family room,
new rug and changed curtains/wall decor



Living Room (current)
Added hardwood floors



Living Room (current)
Changed pillows/wall decor

Dining Room:



Dining Room (before)



Dining Room (just after moving in)
New Light fixture above table




Dining Room (after 1 year)
Painted, changed curtains, new wall decor, tablecloth



Dining Room (current)
added hardwood floors & new table



Kitchen:

Kitchen (before)



Kitchen (before)



Kitchen (before)

 

Kitchen (just after moving in)
added stainless steel appliances

 

Kitchen (after 1 year)
added new floors



Kitchen (current)
painted walls & bar countertop
**Note: the blue is funky in this picture...sorry**



Kitchen (current)
new curtains



  Guest Bedroom:



Guest Bedroom (before)

Guest Bedroom (just after moving in)

 

Guest Bedroom (current)
painted walls, furniture & rearranged furniture
**iphone pic - very dark

 

Guest Bedroom (current)
painted bookcase, new bedspread
**iPhone pic - very dark



Guest Bedroom (current)
new bedspread & curtains
**Note:  wall decor has been added, but I don't have a current photo

Guest Bath:

Guest Bath (before)

Guest Bath (just after moving in)

Guest Bath (after 1 year)
added new floors



Guest Bath (past 3 months)
painted, changed shower curtain & painted cabinet under sink
Note: The green reminded me of toothpaste...didn't like it!




Guest Bath (as of 48 hrs ago)
painted (yet again) and changed shower curtain
Note:  I'm not sold on the yellow yet...and there is too much "white".  I'm thinking of
changing out the shower curtain (yet again) and maybe new rugs.  Plus, the wall decor still needs to be added.



Later this week I will show you the before/after of the outside of the house.

ME vs The Shed

When I bought my house and it only had a one car garage, I knew that a shed would become a necessity some day.  What I didn't know, is that it would become a necessity within the first few months of owning a home.  Between my husbands wheelchair ramp, the mower, the snowblower and our grill, there just isn't any room for much else. 

So last summer after 2 years of stuffing the garage full of more crap than I ever thought it could hold....we broke down and went to Lowe's to purchase a shed.

The weekend after purchasing the shed I got together our "working crew" and all of us gathered in the backyard.  Only Mother Nature had different plans.  There were 30-40 mile per hour winds that day which would have made building a "metal" near impossible.  So instead, we pushed the box aside and planned to get together the following weekend.  

That box we "pushed aside" sat there through fall and collected leaves around it.  It sat there through winter covered in a tarp to protect from the snow.  And it sat there through the spring collecting rainfall.  

Well, after two 90+ degrees days, a gazillion screws, and a handful of cuss words later.....WE HAVE A SHED!!!

Except, I don't have pictures because I was too busy cussing out the shed and handling a gazillion screws to take the time to grab my camera.  My husband did use our flip camcorder and got most of the progress on that so at least we documented the process somehow.

But, here is a picture of our shed straight from Lowe's website.



10' x 12' Arrow Highpoint Shed

 For someone with very little patience this is NOT the project for you.  And for someone who wants something done "right now", this is NOT the project for you.  It was truly a big pain in the arse...but, now that it's complete I love it and can't wait to begin filling it full of meaningless crap...LOL

All in all, I would say that in the battle of me versus the shed....I WON!!! (eventually, anyway)

One Year

Today is my wedding anniversary! It's been a long year full of ups and downs (definitely more downs). But, we made it through and have come out on the other side happier and more in love than ever.


Happy Anniversary babe...I love you!

My Secret Obsession

If you were to ask me my favorite place to shop I would probably say Target....but to be honest, I find just as many things I "have to have" every time I go to Walgreens.

I started this annoying cough yesterday afternoon and it WILL NOT GO AWAY so I had to run to Walgreens last night for some cough drops/syrup.  While there, I also picked up some bobby pins, eyeshadow and 3 bottles of nail polish.

I'm what you call a nail-polish whore!  I have oodles and oodles of nail polish bottles.  Most of them I have never even used.  It's a weakness I have....OPI gets me every time!  I'm pretty sure I have bought some of the bottles, based solely on their name (you're a pisa work, I'm not really a waitress, the Tasmanian Devil made me do it, Pink before you leap, it's all greek to me)

The worst part of this obsession is that I only buy polishes in the pink or red categories.  Once in a blue moon I get a little crazy and will put a coral color on my nails, but 99.9% of the time it is pink/fuschia/red.  But last night...maybe it was the obsessive coughing and the lack of oxygen getting into my lungs as I was struggling for breath....I bought 3 bottles of nail polish and only 1 bottle was in the pink family.  And to be honest it was not in the "normal" pink category that I tend to favor.  It was HOT pink...Like glow in the dark hot pink.  Are you ready to know what the other 2 bottles were?



One was GREEN....and the other BLUE.  I mean for $1.99 I had to give it a try, right?

Here is the Blue I purchased....It is called Why Not by Sinful Colors

And here is a picture of my nails with it on....(disclaimer:  I didn't realize I had "man hands" and "sausages" for toes)

Here is the GREEN called Happy Ending

And here is the PINK called 24/7 (although, it looks much brighter in real life)

I'm actually loving the blue so much that I am almost sure that I'm going to stop by Walgreens after work to pick up the following:

Innocent

Cloud Nine

Dream On

I'm not sure if this is the cough medicine talking or not, but stepping outside of my "pink" comfort zone is so much fun!!

Have any of you dared to try these bold colors?  If so, what is your favorite?

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

In less than 24 hours I will be on a plane heading to Mexico!  I know I don't leave until tomorrow and technically I'm at work today, but my mind is already on vacation.  My body is here, but my mind is sipping a margarita while digging my toes into the sand.

It's going to be a long travel day.  I don't know if I've ever flown with a layover, but I will tomorrow.  I'm hoping that the whole "flying first class" will make up for the delay in me getting to my destination.

Hey cabana boy....Bring me another margarita!!

Sun, Sun, Sun

In 3 days I will be in the lovely Cabo San Lucas, Mexico!!  I checked the weather this morning and it is going to be sunny and about 92 degrees EVERY day!!

I see a lot of sunbathing in my near future!  I know some of you will lecture me on how bad/unhealthy the sun is, but I don't care.  When you live in Michigan you take full advantage of any opportunity to put some nice color on your skin. 

I have a feeling this just might be one of my best vacations yet.  I'm going to live it up in First Class and allow the resort to pamper me.

I can feel the sand beneath my feet already!!

My brain doesn't let me enjoy anything

I leave for Cabo in 9 days!  And while part of me is so excited, part of me is totally stressing out. 

I have traveled international about a half a dozen times before, but I was always with a group of people.  Never by myself.  And not since there have been all these new restrictions on air travel.  I think if I had taken this trip ten years ago it would be a piece of cake....but somewhere in my "old" age I've developed severe stress about traveling. 

I have always loved flying and feel much safer in a plane than in a car, but for some reason my anxiety level is sky high (pun intended).  What if something happens to me?  What would my husband do?  My parents just lost one of their children 2 months ago how would they survive losing another one?

And it's not only the traveling part that is stressing me out, it's the whole "what am I supposed to pack" part!  I have gained back about 13-15 lbs of the weight I lost last year and at this point NOTHING fits me.  I was silly when I lost the weight and got rid of my "fat" clothes.  Telling myself that I would NEVER be this big again.  Well, ladies and gents, I'm definitely that big again!  I can't justify going out and spending money on summer clothes just for this trip because I definitely don't intend on being this size for much longer.  Ahhhhh....I don't know what to do!

And to pour salt in the wound....the girlfriend I'm going with is t-i-n-y!  It's going to be her skinny a** laying on the beach next to this whale!  Ughhhh....

Can someone please tell my brain to SHUT UP so I can actually relax and try to enjoy this amazing opportunity I have.

Wine, Cabo & Weddings...Oh My!

It's been a couple weeks since my last post.  I've got a lot of posts bouncing around in my head, but work has been so crazy lately and by the time I get home I am just too exhausted to sit at the computer.

So today you are getting bullet points:

• The weekend after my birthday I headed north to Traverse City for one of my good friends bachelorette parties.  We spent the weekend in a cabin right on Lake Leelanau and it was just gorgeous.  Friday night we had pizza and simply relaxed on the deck.  Saturday after having breakfast we headed to Ciccone Winery (the one Madonna's dad owns).  We had a private room for a wine tasting and it was very nice.  From there we decided to hit up a couple more wineries before heading home to relax, eat dinner and get ready for a night on the town.  A shuttle bus picked us up around 8pm and we bar-hopped until the wee hours of the morning (actually, it was only 1am but to this old lady it felt like we pulled an "all-nighter).  After cleaning up on Sunday we all hit the road for the 4 hour trek back home.

House on Lake Leelanau

 

Ciccone Winery



The "gang"



Shuttle Bus



• In 17 days I leave for Cabo San Lucas, Mexico!! Yay!!  The trip was totally unplanned and simply fell into my lap last week.  A good friend of mine has a time share at Cabo Villas Beach Resort and she and her sister were going to spend a week there.  Due to a job change, her sister can no longer go and I am the lucky person who gets to take her place!!  I am so excited.  After the year I have had, I really need some tropical weather to put my mind at rest and spend a little time relaxing in the sun.  And did I mention I'm flying FIRST CLASS!!

• This weekend is the wedding for the above mentioned bride.  It is going to be the first wedding I have attended since my own last summer.  I'm excited to see if I notice things I wouldn't have before.  I expect my overall feelings of the day will be totally different.  I used to go to weddings only to sit at the church counting down the minutes until the reception started so we could eat, drink and dance.  I have a feeling the ceremony is going to carry so much more meaning for me now.  I'll be back later next week with some pictures of the beautiful bride & groom. 



Morgan & Aron

Have a great rest of the week everyone!



35

Today is my birthday...35 years old! 

I'm having a god-awful rotten day so far.  My job is just horrible today...pure chaos!  And this girl doesn't do well with chaos!  My OCD doesn't allow chaos in my life.  So today, at this moment, I feel like my head is going to explode.

On a more positive note....The owner of the company is treating me to lunch and my husband and family are taking me out tonight for a Mexican dinner.  I can only assume that the day is going to get better.

And on a more personal note...I feel just awful enjoying my birthday knowing that in 3 days it will be my brothers birthday and he isn't here to enjoy it.  I'm still trying to deal with his death and the past couple weeks have been just awful for me.  I miss him so much!

So here's to a BIG Happy Birthday to me!!

Jersey Floor

Judge me if you must, but I love Jersey Shore!! 

But have you ever seen Jimmy Fallon's Jersey Floor? I think I enjoy this more than the original show itself!

Oh Sun, How I've Missed You

It is absolutely beautiful outside right now!  The sky is cloudy and a little grey off to the west of here, so I imagine rain is on it's way.  But feeling the heat of the sun on my skin for the brief moment I was outside is energizing.  I didn't think Michigan was ever going to get a day like today!  We had a long winter and an even longer start to spring.

I only wish I was at home working in the yard and planting flowers to enjoy such a beautiful day, instead of being stuck in my office behind this computer.

I can only hope this is the start of many more sunny days to come!

Who are you?

Life...it gets in the way sometimes!  There are literally days where I feel like I am having some sort of 'out of body' experience.  I look at myself and am shocked at what I see.  I am not the same person I used to be and it scares me.  What if the fun, outgoing, loving, caring, responsible person I used to be is just a memory?  What if that Amy never comes back?

There is so much that has happened in 2011 that with the start of each month I almost suffer such gut wrenching anxiety wondering what the next 30 days will throw at me.  Hell, I'm scared at what the next 24 hours will throw at me.

I don't like my life right now and I haven't the foggiest idea on how to make any of it better.  At this point I'm simply living day to day.  Which is fine and dandy for the most part, but living day to day doesn't allow you to look into your future.  It doesn't allow you to look ahead and make plans.  It simply allows you enough hours in the day to do what you need to do to survive until you wake the next morning.

This isn't the way I want to live, but it's all I've got right now.

Losing a Brother

One week ago today I received the phone call that has (and will) forever change my life....my brother Chris passed away unexpectedly. 

In technical terms he was my "step" brother, but in my family we don't use that term.  In our hearts and in our minds we are all TRUE siblings....we are FAMILY!

Chris was only 33 years old which makes me question "why him?".  He was a wonderful person with a special energy.  So much like his dad.

It's hard to understand why something so horrible could happen to our family.  There is so much pain in my parents eyes.  For the first couple days I think we were all in a daze.  Everything seemed weird...almost like living in a state of shock.  I don't think any of us really knew what to do.

Thursday evening at the family visitation it suddenly became very real.  Seeing my brother in that casket totally lifeless is an image I will never forget.  Although it was hard, I felt very connected to him.  I talked to him and could sense his presence. 

I have a strong sense that there is a greater plan, but again I want to know why him?  It is something we will never know and never understand.

My brother's death has definitely reminded me that 'life ends'.  Life is there one minute and can be gone the next.  We are reminded not to take anything/anyone for granted and life each day to its fullest.

Rest in Peace brother Chris!

iPhone Apps

I'm always looking for new iPhone apps.  So instead of spending countless hours scouring iTunes I would like recommendations from any of you....Please help! 

What are your favorites?  Must haves?

Grateful

I've been feeling a bit depressed, angry, sad, discouraged and hopeless lately.  Sometimes its easier to concentrate on those bad feelings when you're going through a tough time in life.  However, I am quickly finding out how unhealthy this way of thinking is.

I have challenged myself to try and concentrate on the positive, even if only for one day.  So here is a list of all (most) of the things I am grateful for today:

1. My parents (including step parents)-for being wise
2. My siblings-for the unconditional love
3. My closest friends-for being my companions in life
4. My heart-for giving me the ability to feel (both love and pain)
5. My immune system-for battling off all the viruses that are going around
6. My mind-for the ability to think, make choices, store memories and create solutions
7. My tears-for helping me express my deepest emotions
8. My smile-for helping hide the sadness
9. My cats-for filling my life with joy even in my darkest moments
10. The internet-for filling me with knowledge
11. My job-for giving me a source of financial security
12. Music-for lifting my spirits when I am down
13. My home-for a place I can call 'home'
14. Heartbreak-for making me stronger
15. Love-for allowing myself to feel what it truly means to be 'alive'
16. My fears-for allowing me opportunities to grow
17. Movies/TV-for providing a source of entertainment
18. iPhone-for making it easy to stay in touch and provide entertainment
19. Life's challenges-for helping me grow and become a better person
20. Waterproof Mascara-for making it easier to hide the tears
21. My car-for providing a 'get-away' tool
22. My nephews-for allowing my pride to runeth-over
23. Armed Forces-for all of their sacrifices
24. Happy Endings

What are you grateful for?

STRENGTH

• God give me the strength to change the things I can, and the strength to deal with the things I can't...

• Strength does not come from some mystical place because we need it.  Strength is born from the courage to do what must be done

• I am walking on a road I never wanted to travel...Yet I am trusting I am strong enough to not stumble

• I'm not asking you to lighten my load, God.  Just give me the strength to carry it.

• We never know what strength we have until life begins to test us

• It's not always gonna turn out how you want, the trick is to face it head on and bust through the crap and come out on the other side stronger

• Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength, but there are times in life when it takes much more strength to just let go

• We never know how strong we are until strong is the only choice we have

• I seek strength, not to be greater than others, but to fight my greatest enemy...the doubts within myself

CHANGE

• If you don't make changes, tomorrow is going to be very similiar to yesterday, with the exception of you being a day older

• Sometimes things in life turn out differently then what we had planned, but that is just our path changing because we have changed

• Things may never be the same, but maybe one day they'll be even better

• When it comes to making a big change in your life ~ You've got to want it more than you fear it

• People often change for two reasons:  either you've learned enough that you want to change or you've been hurt enough that you need to

• Sometimes it's only after you leave a situation that you realize you shouldn't have been in it to begin with

• Change only happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go

• What you choose is what you shall have...what you allow is what shall continue.  Time for some changes

• Everything happens for a reason.  That reason causes change.  Sometimes the change hurts.  Sometimes the change is hard.  But in the end its all for the best

• If you truly desire a change in your life, you have to be willing to let go of what you know and sometimes go outside of your comfort zone

Update

Here is an update to Where do I go from here?

I'm actually hesitant to put this in writing as I know once I do, I'm somehow going to be jinxed or something.

Things are definitely improving...I can actually see a small sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.  Of course the tunnel is a gazillion miles long, but there is a small shimmer of hope peaking around the bend.

My stepson has made some major strides this week.  None of his accomplishments have gone unnoticed.  We have received letters from a couple of his teachers that he has been asking about extra credit and permission to turn in missing assignments.  (I'm so grateful to his teachers and the school for working with us on this).  He has also not had a single absence or tardy all week long....and even better, he has been waking up to his alarm and the morning routine has greatly improved.  He is bringing homework home almost every night and has been turning in the assignments when due.  He got his haircut last week but we are still working on his 'black' clothing.  Baby steps....

He is still without a TV, cell phone, etc. and I feel bad, but it's going to take more than 7 days of behaving for me to give him all of his freedom back.  To be honest...I'm convinced that one of the major reasons for him waking up to his alarm in the morning is due to the fact that he 'doesn't' have TV or cell phone.  I can't tell you how many nights we have to fight with him to HANG UP THE PHONE AND GO TO BED....and I just know that he was staying up extra late watching TV and then too tired to wake up in the morning.  I have a feeling that when the time comes we will be setting up new boundaries for him in both of these areas.

We have a meeting next week with the private school and I am looking forward to it.  I will keep you all posted about the outcome.

Here are a couple comments he has made to us this past week:

• After getting his haircut..."I can SEE.  I didn't realize how badly my hair was hanging in my eyes".  Yes, dear son...I told you so!
• After a successful morning routine..."It really makes a difference when I wake up in time to get ready and have breakfast before I leave for school".  Yes, dear son...I told you so!
• After successfully turning in all assignments for one school day..."I can't believe I actually thought this stuff was hard.  All you have to do is pay attention in class".  Yes, dear son...I told you so!
• After a nice family night consisting of eating dinner together and then a movie..."It really is better when I behave.  Everyone seems happy tonight".  Yes, dear son...I told you so!

These are baby steps in the grand scheme of things....but, these baby steps have proved to me that he is capable of all the things I knew he was!

Here's hoping for another successful week ahead!

Dear God

Dear God: You know that "test" you keep giving and I keep failing miserably? I respectfully request you give me an "F" and allow me to move on to the next one. Thanks,
Love ME!

Where do I go from here?

Once again I have started ignoring this place of mine.  For reasons I stated in an earlier post, I have so much to say, but don't feel like this is my outlet for such topics.

Well, today bloggers...I am stepping out of my comfort zone and this post is going to be personal...and I mean really personal!

I guess in a way I need other people, strangers to my situation, to tell me what I am doing right, where can I improve and where I can go from here.

I apologize in advance if this post is confusing and all over the place.  It's hard to put into words when my emotions and thoughts are also 'all over the place'.

In January of this year my 15 year old stepson came to live with us full time.  In a word I would describe him as 'troubled'.  His life has not been easy and for a 15 year old he has endured more things than most adults.  At the age of 9 his father was in a car accident, in a coma for 3 months, and a paraplegic.  Shortly after his father was released from rehab (where he had to learn to speak, write, even to hold a pencil or utensils) his parents divorced. 

His mom is currently going through (another) divorce and contacted us back in the fall stating that the situation at her house was not ideal and that things were totally out of control as far as my stepson was concerned.  He was defiant, rebellious, unruly and totally unmanageable.

We agreed to take over full custody which would require transferring him out of his current school district and into a new one.  We had high hopes at the time that we were going to be the ones to 'change his life forever'.  Our first step was getting him into the best school we could...total failure!  Our state has a "school of choice" option, but if the student has any type of disciplinary record at his current school they will not accept him as a student.  After what seemed like dozens of phone calls we realized our only option was the public school where we live.  Not an ideal choice....but, the only choice we had.

He has been in public school for 5 weeks and instead of taking 'steps forward' we have taken a gazillion steps back.  He is now even more rebellious, unruly, and unmanageable than I could have ever imagined.  He is skipping school (7 absences and 11 tardies in less than 20 days of school), not passing any of his classes (13%-25% with a letter grade of E), failed his home drug test for marijuana (and drug paraphenelia was found at his moms house) and refuses to follow any of our rules.  He is blatantly lying and more defiant than ever.

We are constantly talking to him about his behavior and our expectations.  We have even grounded him, taken away cell phone, tv, guitar...anything worth any value to him.  He simply continues to laugh in our face....it's not working.  After being caught skipping school again yesterday I knew I needed more extreme measures.  I contacted the school and requested that both the counselor and principle get involved.  I even requested approval to have an adult escort him to/from school and to each and every class throughout the day.  I also contacted a private school in our area and have set up a meeting with them to see about transferring him.  I have contacted a local group that works with 'potential' drop out students for counseling and will speak more with them today.  I also contacted a local military school.  The military school would require him to live on the military base for 6 months (no outside contact) and then for 12 months after that he would have a mentor.  Unfortunately, the military school requires him to be 16 years of age before admission.  We won't be eligible for enrollement until the session that begins January 2012.

After speaking with him for almost 2 hours last night in another 'family meeting'....I still have my doubts.  I'm not sure about anything at this point.  We took him to get his hair cut last night and have taken away his current wardrobe (he is into the "goth" look with long hair, all black clothes, black fingernails, etc).  But still....it doesn't feel like enough!  Nothing we do or have done feels like enough!

What else can we do?  I don't consider myself a failure....but this parenting thing is making me question everything I am.

I'm so tired...I'm mentally at my wits end!  I'm questioning everything in my life.  Is this really what I signed up for when I married my husband?  If given the chance would I take it all back?  If I left my husband would my life be easier?  Would I feel this way if he was "my" son and not my stepson?  How much more can I take before I simply give up (on everything and everyone)?

This is the lowest I have ever been.  I don't have much fight left in me....