The Circus is in Town

On Tuesday evening my husband and I, along with my in-laws, went to the Shrine Circus.  I was so excited.  I went to the circus once when I was younger and loved it, and since I'm totally a kid at heart, I just assumed it would be just as fun and exciting! 

I was so, so wrong!

The doors opened early and we raced inside.  We just had to be the first in line for the elephant ride.  I wasn't in the building a mere 3 minutes when I started feeling an anxiety attack coming on.  The site of that poor elephant was all I could concentrate on.  It was as if the only people in the entire arena were myself, that elephant and the elephants trainer. My mind was racing with horrible images of the life that poor animal must lead.  I read an article years ago about the treatment of circus animals and until that exact moment I had forgotten all about it.

The longer I stood there watching that poor elephant make his way around the circle carrying loads of people on his back, the more my anxiety started to take over.

My mind kept racing back to that article and the images of circus elephants that were beaten, hit, poked, prodded and jabbed with sharp hooks.  It was ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT!

I can sometimes over-analyze things and that is exactly what my husband told me I was doing.  I finally decided it was in my best interest to exit the arena and I spent most of the pre-show in the hallway.

The lights finally dimmed and we took our seats anxiously waiting for the show to start.

The first act was the lions and tigers.  I immediately felt my anxiety level lesson because I have a serious love for tigers.  I actually felt my excitement starting to return.  Sadly though, it was short lived.  As the animals entered the cage and got into position, I happen to notice a woman standing in the darkness on the outside of the cage.  She was hard to see because the spotlights in the cage area were so bright, but we were seated on the ground level right in front and had a perfect view of her. Throughout the act, she continuously kept prodding one of the lions with some sort of long device.  The lion was very unhappy about this and you could tell by his demeanor that he was getting more and more angry.  Throughout the act, this particular animal refused to "do his part".  He did not participate in jumping the hurdles, he did not jump through the ring of fire, and he did not like the trainer being anywhere near him.  Every time the trainer would be within an arms length, this particular lion would reach out and claw at him.  As a result, he would be prodded from behind and whipped by the trainer.

To put it nicely, I was about to lose my shit!!!  I turned to my husband and told him I was leaving....NOW!   I tried to explain to my husband that tigers don't just jump through rings of fire.  They don't just do these tricks because they want to.  They do them because they're afraid of what will happen if they don't.  And as he watched that lion being prodded through most of the act, he began to understand what was making me feel this way.  He did his best to reassure me that those animals would be okay, but this animal loving woman just wasn't having it.

I decided to stay for the remainder of the show, but it wasn't easy.  The entire show I had images swirling around in my head of these animals being confined to cramped and filthy cages.  The  amount of time spent traveling and being continuously chained up.  Having to travel in cages that barely provide room for the animal to turn around.  Those images from that article years ago of the bloody elephants that were jabbed with sharp hooks. The bears that are whacked and prodded with long poles to get them to ride bicycles, balance on balls, and get their picture taken with overly excited children.

I know I probably over-reacted and I know my mind does crazy things when I am in the middle of an anxiety episode, so I apologize.  I can say that other than my anxiety over the mistreatment of the animals, I had a good time.  The trapeze artists, the jugglers, the clowns and acrobats were very enjoyable.

And to be honest...by the last act (which coincidentally, was elephants) I was much more calm, my breathing was more regular and my heart was no longer beating out of my chest.  I found that if I concentrated more on taking pictures and only watching the show through the lens of my iPhone, that my anxiety level seemed to remain at an acceptable level.  Maybe this was my way of tricking my brain into believing I was merely watching something on television.  That it was more fictional than reality.  Who knows...the mind is a crazy, crazy thing.

* I apologize if this post offends anyone.  My feelings are MY OWN and I would never want to influence the thoughts of anyone else. 

** I do not have any "facts" to support the mistreatment of circus animals. My feelings are simply a result of an over-active mind and an article I read years ago

*** All pictures are my own...taken with my iPhone

My brain doesn't let me enjoy anything

I leave for Cabo in 9 days!  And while part of me is so excited, part of me is totally stressing out. 

I have traveled international about a half a dozen times before, but I was always with a group of people.  Never by myself.  And not since there have been all these new restrictions on air travel.  I think if I had taken this trip ten years ago it would be a piece of cake....but somewhere in my "old" age I've developed severe stress about traveling. 

I have always loved flying and feel much safer in a plane than in a car, but for some reason my anxiety level is sky high (pun intended).  What if something happens to me?  What would my husband do?  My parents just lost one of their children 2 months ago how would they survive losing another one?

And it's not only the traveling part that is stressing me out, it's the whole "what am I supposed to pack" part!  I have gained back about 13-15 lbs of the weight I lost last year and at this point NOTHING fits me.  I was silly when I lost the weight and got rid of my "fat" clothes.  Telling myself that I would NEVER be this big again.  Well, ladies and gents, I'm definitely that big again!  I can't justify going out and spending money on summer clothes just for this trip because I definitely don't intend on being this size for much longer.  Ahhhhh....I don't know what to do!

And to pour salt in the wound....the girlfriend I'm going with is t-i-n-y!  It's going to be her skinny a** laying on the beach next to this whale!  Ughhhh....

Can someone please tell my brain to SHUT UP so I can actually relax and try to enjoy this amazing opportunity I have.

85 days

So we are 85 days from the wedding and to be honest....This is the most stress I think I've ever endured!

One minute I feel like I'm right on track and the next minute I'm fighting severe anxiety knowing that I'm knee deep in shit (pardon my language). I'm in the final stages of the wedding planning process and I can honestly say that this stage IS NOT MY FAVORITE!

A few months back I had that revelation that I think all brides eventually have, where you start to "scale back" and only concentrate on the things that actually matter. But, I still feel like there is so much stuff (and truly I think of it as "stuff") that I'm so worried about.

Whenever I start to question myself I step back, take a deep breath and try to find the "sane" bride that I know is hiding somewhere deep inside.

• What if no one likes the music I picked for the DJ to play? To be honest, my fiance and I like the music and I know my friends like the music so even if we are the only ones on the dance floor it will still be a blast
• What if my dress doesn't fit after alterations? I've lost 30 lbs in the past year, I think if I need to lose 3-5 lbs the last 1.5 months before the wedding I will be fine. I've got the resources and knowledge to do this so calm the F down already
• Are we giving our guests enough choices in the booze department? People like free booze and after enough time passes they will be too loaded to even care
• Are guests going to be upset that there are no chairs for the ceremony? Young people can stand and the older guests get a chair with the family. If you don't like it, plop your butt down on the ground
• What if any of our relatives/guests start "acting up"? We are going to ignore them or ask them to leave
• What if the guests don't like our casual buffet? We are serving food that fiance and I both like and it tastes amazing. Everyone else can swing through McDonald's when they leave.

These are only a few of the items that I battle everyday. In the end, the "sane" bride always pulls through and makes sense of it all, but it's those few moments when I feel like the earth is slowly giving away under my feet that I could do without.

Did any of you "graduate" brides go through this the last few months before the wedding or am I really going insane?

Life in the Fast Lane

Oh, how well I remember the days when I would come home from work, kick off my shoes, jump into the nearest pair of yoga paints and hang out on the couch all night.

The past few weeks have been so incredibly crazy. Between working on wedding stuff every weekend (all weekend), dealing with the death (suicide) of my close friends' son, starting a huge home improvement project and work being totally insane with our ISO Audit only a few weeks away.....I barely even know what day it is anymore!

It is so unlike me to have a messy (unorganized) home, and I took a look around this morning and almost had a meltdown. I've got piles of laundry (which I sorted on Saturday and haven't done anything with), dust on every item I can see, our carpets are full of cat/dog hair and do I even need to get into the shape of our bathrooms. Those toilets could definitely use some scrubbing.

I've always been a little compulsive about my cleaning and I obsess over anything being "out of sorts", but for some reason, today I'm just too tired to think about it. Hopefully by the weekend we will be done painting and will be able to get the house back in order and then the cleaning spree will start.

I hate to say this, but life in the fast lane isn't all it's cracked up to be. How I yearn for the days spent on the couch in my yoga pants!!

I'm losing it....

Forewarning....this may turn into the most random post ever!

Do you ever feel like you have SO MUCH going on in your head that you have trouble doing even the simplest things? Like your brain can't stop turning long enough for you to remember how to tie your shoes? My brain is so chuck full of "stuff" lately that I can't seem to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. Today I managed to spell my name wrong.....who does that? I've had the same name for 33 years now and today I couldn't even manage enough brain power to get that right. You would think it was pretty easy A-M-Y.....how hard is that? And it's not just my name that I'm messing up. I feel like I'm screwing up at work, I'm screwing up at home...I just can't focus! I hang up with people after speaking to them on the phone and I can't even remember what we just talked about because the whole time they are talking to me I'm going over about a million things in my head. Even as I'm trying to post this I can't stay focused long enough to make complete sentences (I apologize now for my imperfect grammar if there is any due to this issue).

I'm thinking (hoping) that maybe if I list some of the things that keep revolving in my brain I might feel better. Maybe by seeing it on paper it will make me realize that this is just plain silly. There is nothing on this list that is worth what I have been going through. Don says that I'm even talking about it in my sleep. I've got to clear my brain and stop with this nonsense.

Okay, so here is a short version of some of the things that continuously go around and around in my head:

• Start tanning (I want to start wedding dress shopping soon and I want some color before I do this)
• Buy softener salt
• Fill out the contract for our DJ and get in mail ASAP along with deposit
• Set up appt with rental company to finalize contract (note to self: remember to remove salad plates from rental contract)
• Get oil changed in car
• Clean out car
• Get wire fencing put up out back before dog realizes he can crawl under neighbors fence
• Buy something to get rid of Moles in back yard
• Call officiant and set up appt to discuss ceremony
• Pay bills (note to self: add new bill pay info for refinanced car loan and remove old loan info)
• Add Don to savings account
• Clean out garage
• Record weight watchers points
• Workout
• Drink more water
• Faucet handles in tub need replaced
• Need to get baseboard for basement carpet
• Get groceries
• Put more water in the fridge to get cold
• Buy cat food
• File pets "micro chip" information in home office
• Change federal withholding back to normal on my payroll checks
• Get chicken out of freezer to thaw
• Balance checkbook
• Pluck eyebrows
• Download pictures off my camera
• Update my blog
• Shampoo carpets
• Find out why automatic car starter isn't working
• Take comforter to dry cleaners
• Put additional cat litter box back in spare bedroom
• Give the dog a bath
• Order more checks (note to self: change address on checks)
• Schedule engagement pictures
• Update wedding binder and remove any unnecessary paperwork
• Buy face cream

Breathe Amy....Just breathe!!!

This is just a short glimpse of the list that encompasses my every thought. And this list doesn't even include anything about work.....I won't go there! I've already made a fool of myself so I don't want to make it any worse.

Have I ever told you that I have a mild case of OCD? No? Well, I guess we'll save that post for a rainy day!